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Bongiwe Nkomazana on Gender
It is very common to have a man with a child outside his marriage during his marriage and it is very common that the wife will accept the child. Is it not similar to having a sister wife? Is it not better to then be with an honest man who will tell you that they have met someone else whom they want to be with just as much as you?

One of my favourite shows at the moment is Uthando Nesithembu, which is based on a Zulu polygamist, Musa Mseleku, married to four beautiful wives.
From what we see on the show, he looks wealthy and his wives have tensions here and there but appear happy and healthy for the most part.

All four wives have a beautiful house each, drive good cars and generally live a comfortable life. Now, bottom line is that it is just a television show. Despite it being a reality television show, it is still edited and maybe scripted according to what that family wants to portray to the world.

What they portray is that people in a polygamous marriage can live not only happily but glamorously. However, that is just one side of this lifestyle.

To be honest that is the only story I have seen or heard about where the outcomes look positive. Most people have daunting childhood memories because they grew up in homes with many mothers and even more children. I would like to put polygamy on the table as a topic of discussion to just try and bring up how it just does not fit with today’s generation.

Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. Did you know that when a man is married to more than one wife at a time, it is called polygyny and this is the most common and most practised form of polygamy? When a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry.

Going back to gender roles back in the day, women just wanted to be taken care of and be home-makers, leading to their low social standings. When that need was catered for everything was good to go. As a result, a husband was considered a good man as long as he sent home mealie-meal, sugar and soap at the end of the month.

A wife would dance and clap when her husband made his once every year visit because after all he had given her his surname. Why he would be away for so long was an open secret, he probably had another wife around his place of work and rarely would women in such situations debate this. If they did, they would be reminded why they are better off turning a blind eye and coming to peace with the new reality.

The dynamics have shifted with the women of today because they bring so much more to the table besides being a husband’s parents’ babysitter. Hence, a husband needs to do more than just the barest minimum of being a good husband. The confidence that women have now allows them to ask questions like “where have you been in the last 12 hours” … let alone 12 months.

It has become so much work, too much responsibility and so much time to have a wife that the idea of having two or more of them is just an exhausting thought and we are not complaining.

The reason why polygamy is not advised or supported in today’s society is because of all the negative effects that it brings especially to the women and children involved. A marriage is a partnership where a husband and wife work together; however, we have seen the wives in a polygamous marriage become single mothers, having to fend for a lot of children alone.

The husband is usually emotionally absent because unless if you are God, there is no way you can be there for a small village the way you need to be. Also, as long as you are not rich you will make tonnes of children and surrender them to your ancestors because you cannot afford it and the cycle of poverty is continued.

Nowadays marriages are pushed by the church and the law to be a bond between one man and one woman so that the couple stays connected and are there for each other 100 percent. The wives of today know their marital rights and demand them with love of course.

Elderly women always say that women should not be bothered by secret wives because they are just that: a secret but it does not work like that anymore.

We have become all about exclusivity and we are not here for sharing. What is the point of owning something that everybody has access to?

It takes away from its value making you want it less. It just occurred to me that women have been told all their lives to maintain their value by dating zero men but magically find a husband and here we are in a position where we are able to tell men that look, there is a possibility that your value may diminish to us too and you have to do certain things to maintain it. Double standards are falling guys!

Moving on, similarly, being a husband to MaMpofu, MaSibanda and MaChikura makes the husband less private or less special to the wives and they just switch off. No girl ever dreamed of sharing a husband, we all wanted to be the only princess to one prince charming. Life is no fairytale but women today will only take what is closest to it and being wife number 17 is far from it.

Hands up if you are a woman that would be open to marrying a man who plans to marry more women after you or has already married other wives before you. I imagine that not many of us are up to that yet most of us will find ourselves dealing with men who are secretly romantically committed to a number of other women. It is very common to have a man with a child outside his marriage during his marriage and it is very common that the wife will accept the child. Is it not similar to having a sister wife? Is it not better to then be with an honest man who will tell you that they have met someone else whom they want to be with just as much as you?

This question alone is enough to rile all modern women up I know but think about it.

I am in no place to say whether polygamy is right or wrong as it is still practised in some cultures and religions but I do know that chances of it working with the women of this generation are zero to one.

At the end of the day it is a lifestyle choice and to each her own.