Zimpapers Logo

Bongiwe Nkomazana
Many of us ladies go through life with our heads down, scrambling behind others and making sure to stay put in our corners. It has been drilled in us to be quiet unless spoken to or to jump when told to jump. It is sad because not only are we treated like second class citizens but we actually believe it to a point where we have forgotten our value as individuals.

Most of us were raised in households where being outspoken or different was frowned upon and in societies that looked at uniqueness as rebellious instead of outstanding. I do not think that parents or the larger community actually realise how by doing this they suppress personality and potential, creating a timid woman with zero self-esteem. Self-esteem is the way you value yourself so if you feel like you dislike yourself or that you are undeserving of happiness and that nobody likes you or you are worthless then you need to work on getting your groove back; getting your confidence back.

So how does one regain their confidence if they have lost it somewhere along the road or find it if they have never been of bold character before? I truly believe the first step is to self-praise. I say this with humble intentions but you do need to remind yourself of who you are. Stand in the mirror and repeat after me. “I am strong, I am smart, I am beautiful and I am a child of a King”. The more you say it the sooner you will believe it and the sooner you believe it, the sooner you become it.

The mind is a powerful thing you see and all actions begin from our state of mind. I’ve seen a video of a little boy who is in a pool of water crying and screaming frantically because he is afraid of drowning. In his head he will die if he does not get out. I am not sure how it happens but he calms down and realises it is a shallow pool in which he can stand safely.

Hilarious isn’t it? The moral of the story is that fear and self-doubt are a state of mind and if we can look beyond a seemingly scary or uncertain situation all is actually well. In situations where you doubt yourself or are petrified of the results, remind yourself of your strength, your intellect, your beauty and of your DNA and you will boost your confidence and regain control of the situation.

Ever sat and thought about how different your life would be if you had had the courage to voice your opinions or to speak up about your feelings? Some of us are doing degrees that we are not passionate about or are in careers that we were forced to take up and that we do not necessarily care for mainly because we just could not say no and trust ourselves to make the right decisions for ourselves. Let us learn to be assertive ladies. I, for one, hate confrontations and I grew up very obedient, abiding by every rule in the book just so I did not step on anyone’s toes.

This, ironically, made me an easy target especially with my family members. I was a virtual punching bag where everyone would release their frustrations via name-calling or just undeserved yells. On the other hand, my “rebellious” cousin and sister have gained themselves some respect and no one ever dares to talk down upon them because they are known to have a voice, they stand up for themselves. I was surprised the other day when I was talking to my aunt and she described me as outspoken and opinionated.

Here I was, a once upon a time shy and reserved somebody being outspoken and opinionated; exactly how I wanted to be when I grew up. I have realised that it is pointless to be a “miss-goody-two-shoes” at my emotional well-being’s expense. I am still polite but I have discovered a side of me that knows how to send bad vibes back to where they came from by being stern about what is right for me and what is not. With higher confidence levels, you are able to say things like “no” and set boundaries for yourself around what is acceptable to you and what is not.

We always see women who stay with good for nothing men who exploit and abuse them repeatedly. No woman wants that treatment but because she has forgotten her worth she feels like that is what she deserves. That is low self-esteem right there when a woman thinks she is not good enough to leave and be okay in his absence.

The second step to boosting your confidence is to surround yourself with people who love you. Have you ever been loved by a man to a point that you almost dance when you walk. You cannot even feel the ground you are walking on because this man has your head held up so high it is in the clouds.

This man will shower you with compliments not because you are all that and a bag of chips but because he enjoys seeing you happy and secure in your skin.

Those are the type of people you need, not for a big head but for reassurance and support. If you constantly receive positive feedback on your strengths, you start to trust your positive aspects more and celebrate them, which then improves the way you see yourself. When you have a reliable support system, you become less reluctant to take risks and this will lead to a more gratified you.

How many of us have been maimed by the mere thought of what people will think or say? It gets so bad to a point where we are so frightened of trying something new or that we have always wanted to do because we could be judged. However, people should be allowed to talk because they will talk anyway.

So in an effort to build your confidence, I challenge you to challenge yourself to actually go ahead and do something new, despite what people will say. It could be joining a gym, applying for that senior position or auditioning for a role in a play or even getting your driver’s licence at 40, go ahead and do it. It all comes down to appreciating that you are enough as an individual and the mistakes that you make will help you to be wiser.

Failure is scary and is a cause to our lack of confidence. An actress named Jane Fonda said in one of her interviews that growth does not come through celebration and success but through our wounds and sadness. So keep your chin up woman and allow yourself to stumble, allow yourself to flourish, beam with confidence.