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WORK is a four-letter word. This holds true for those of us who are effort disinclined, or put more simply, lazy. But have you ever felt you are working too hard, for too long, for too little?

Well before you pour out your grief, you must contend with those people who give far less than what they get in the form of pay. They are called “Bosses.”

They are more likely to label you as lazy when you exercise your constitutional rights in “rationing production.”

We must admit though that there are some who spoil things for the rest of us by being blatantly lazy. They deserve to be frozen, downgraded or better still, “downsized”, yes, retrenched!

Fortunately, there seems to be a way around this problem. Psychologists and experts in the art of deception (cheating) have studied activities that on the surface give the impression that one can be a sure candidate for being “Worker of the Year” when in fact they are just lazing around.

Here are tried and tested strategies for creating the false impression that one was “working hard’. Keep them to yourself because they are “danger-full”, my uncle used to say.

Here goes:

One should never walk down the corridor without a document in his or her hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings, when they are not. Those with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen.

When holding a newspaper in your hands, look like you’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of files home with you at night, thus giving the impression that you work longer hours than you really do. Though, of course, it would be hard to justify claiming for those “extra” hours.

This is one is my favourite; use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.

These aren’t exactly the benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When your boss catches you out (and you are likely) your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, saving the company valuable training dollars.

Top executives can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it seems you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. It is for this reason that a colleague’s office looks as if it was on the path of Cyclone Eline.

To the casual observer, last year’s work looks much the same as today’s work; it’s the volume that counts. Pile them high and wide, the files I mean. If you know somebody is coming to your office or cubicle, bury the document halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when they arrive.

Never answer your phone. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing. They call because they want YOU to do WORK for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through reception.

If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there. You see, one can never tell what time the message was left. It will look as if you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious mampara.

If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, it will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you.

One should look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy. Speak fast, and stand at the door, ready to rush back to your office. Even pick up the phone when the boss comes into your office and look so engrossed in a business call that gives the impression that it will result in millions of dollars flowing into the company account.

Appear to work late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could tackle magazines and novels that you always wanted to read or surf the internet until late before leaving.

Make sure you walk past the boss’s office on your way out. Send important e-mails at ungodly hours such as after 1.00AM, during weekends and public holidays copying the boss. No one will accuse you of witchcraft, except, possibly the boss.

The “Creative Sighing for Effect” strategy also works wonders. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor. You can always borrow from the library. Encyclopaedias are the best, creating what is known as the “stacking” strategy.

Always make sure you build on your vocabulary, or more accurately, superfluous wording that can be thrown around liberally. These sounds more like a political speech, a lot of hot air signifying totally nothing.

To achieve this, read up on some legal journals and pick out all the jargon. Use it freely when in meetings and conversation with bosses and it will sure knock them for six. They won’t have to understand what you say but, ipso facto, you will surely sound impressive.

Finally, and most importantly, a friendly warning: don’t forward this to your boss by mistake. What do you mean that YOU are the boss? Oops!