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children, under very difficult circumstances.
The husband left her for a “small house” and when he came back he was broke and ill, he died. She looked after her children, collecting and selling old clothes and this is how l came to know her.

I was happy to see her after such a long time and she updated me on how her five children were doing.
The first born had completed her nursing course and now working abroad, where she lives with her husband.

The other four children had also finished school and were now working. I was happy and congratulated her that her problems were now over, and the children were now looking after her.
I thought she would respond positively but instead I saw tears filling her eyes and she said, “Mudikani, semusikana mukuru uyu, vakaroora ndivo vakahwina, hapana chandinowana kutambudzika kwese kuye.” (My friend as for the girl, her in-laws benefited from the marriage, regardless of the way I suffered raising her).

What hurts her most is the way she looks after the husband’s parents who boast of how the universe gave them the best muroora (daughter-in-law) who looks after them.
She had worked very hard for her children and when the girl was enrolled for nursing she was very happy, and she came to tell me. I had known the girl since she was in secondary school, and being enrolled for a nursing course was a great occasion for all of us.

She failed to fight the tears and they rolled down.
I comforted her, I did not know what to say, later I asked her about the other four children. She was grateful to the Almighty that at least the last two children were looking after her.

She explained, “Zvirinani vanombondikandira, asi musikana mukuru uyu kana chipeneti zvacho.” (At least they try, but as for the girl I don’t get anything). She had all her hopes on her first girl but it was not the way she had expected.

She was also grateful that the last two children were staying with her, and they are doing the best they can to help.
At her age she is now no longer able to run around as she used to do and, if she tries, her legs become painful and they swell.

One man, who would like to remain anonymous, does not understand why the woman is complaining that the woman’s daughter is not looking after her and, instead, is looking after her in-laws – simply because she is married and that lobola was paid for her.

“Lobola was paid for her, and that is what she can use. How many times does one have to marry? If a wife is now required to look after her parents, it is the money that belongs to the family used, and that means I keep marrying this woman over and over again.”

A woman I talked to regarding this issue had no kind words for this man, demanding to know how much he paid?
“There is no way I cannot look after my parents. I would rather pay back the lobola.

“My parents looked after me. They loved me. So how can I be happy looking after his parents and not mine? Maybe other women can do it, but I cannot, I will die”, she did not mince her words.
Her sentiments were echoed by another woman at a women’s gathering that I had gone to give a talk to. She alluded to the fact that it is through her parents that she came to Harare for university, and that they worked very hard for her to get that education and accordingly, there was no way she would abandon her parents.

I discussed with some friends why this woman is in such a situation, and yet she worked so hard for her children.
One of them broke down, and I thought she had been touched by the story of this woman, but she was to reveal a secret that she had carried for a long time.
She narrated to us after sobering. “For me to be able to look after my parents I had to lie, I could not give them money openly for many years.

“My parents knew the situation, and when I gave them money, clothes or groceries they kept it to themselves, without showing open acknowledgement for years. What kind of life is that?
“It only changed when my son got married and I advised him to look after his in-laws and my daughter-in-law in turn also looks after us.” A friend could not believe this and said, “Wakamujaidza.”
She then reminded us of a woman in the early 80s whose daughter was beaten by her husband after she had given her parents money and bought some groceries for them.

The mother paid the husband and the in-laws a visit, and she asked them a question that they could not answer.
“Mwana wangu haana kuzvarwa zvakasiyana nemwana wenyu,mazvinzwa? Kubvira apinde mudumbu, kusvika abude zvakangofanana nezvamakaita wenyu.

“Handiti arikukuchengetai? Asi wangu ndiye anonzi asandichengete? Handidi kufurufushirwa mwana.”
The in-laws did not know how to answer such a statement but, thereafter, their son would never lay a hand on his wife, who continued to look after her parents.

We laughed because we remembered the incident and that statement, spread like a bush fire in the area – and went a long way in helping those who had no guts to confront such situations. But why does it take parents to go this far to remind the world that they need to be looked after?

A number of people that I spoke to feel it is difficult for a woman to look after her parents, and the only way to do it is behind the husband’s back, in order to maintain peace in the home.
Some men that I spoke to said they had the same problem with their wives who did not want them to look after their parents, and they have to look after their parents without the wives knowing.

I was told a woman who returned a mother’s day bouquet from her son, because he only thought of her on mother’s day, ” . . . I do not eat flowers. What about the whole year what does he think I eat? I do not eat flowers”, was her response to the gift, and went on to say that had it not been for the other children who were looking after her, she would have been dead by now, and wondered where he would have sent the flowers.

From a discussion we were having with friends sometime ago on raising children, one of our friends said she is raising her children so that they can take care of themselves, as she could take care of herself. Another friend warned her not to talk like that – never to say such words – and she was very clear that she would want her children to look after her.

The way children are brought up and socialised can contribute to how they decide on the welfare of their parents when they are old and cannot look after themselves.
Children also learn by example; if their parents did not take care of their parents they might see it as a norm and may not think it is important to look after their parents.

Aaron Chiundura Moyo’s book, Ziva Kwawakabva which he wrote in 1976 and was turned into a television drama in 1988 explained in detail some of the issues we are discussing.
In the drama he highlights how parents worked very hard with the minimal resources to educate their son but, when he got married and had a beautiful house, her parents were not welcome.

The parents of the wife became his parents as they were rich and they fitted well into his lifestyle as an educated man. The parents suffered and their neighbours laughed at them for having wasted all their resources educating their son who was not looking after them.

It was only after misfortune fell upon the man that he realised how his parents suffered for him.
According to Chiundura Moyo, the book is based on a true story of a woman who would hire a caravan when visiting her in-laws in the rural areas and one day when the mother-in-law wanted to go into the caravan

the daughter- in-law poured hot water on her.
However, the marriage ended up in a divorce. The husband suffered mental illness and he died.
Chiundura-Moyo also feels that some churches are contributing in dividing parents and their children, resulting in children neglecting their parents as the children are given new relatives in the church.

“Some of these churches use the verse in the Bible which says when Jesus had a meeting in the synagogue and his parents were looking for him he said the ones who were in synagogue and doing the wish of God were his family.” Chiundura-Moyo described a man who looks after his parents and in laws had this to say, “The underlying word is APPRECIATION.”

When children appreciate what their parents did for them to be where they are, bearing in mind that they are also human and prone to making mistakes, that becomes the starting point for the process.
When a man and a woman come together to start a family, they should both understand that they did not just pop up from nowhere.

Each of them should appreciate that the person they so much love has a family – and one of the ways to show this is solidify the new relationship by unifying the families in every way practicable.
Preferably, the husband should show appreciation to his in-laws by looking after the family of his wife whenever practicable, and similarly, vice versa for the wife.”

It does not matter how tough a parent can be, there comes a time when they become physically weak as age catches up with them, and they need their children to look after them through financial and moral support.

Joyce Jenje Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. You can catch her live today at 7pm at Motor Action Club where she will be moderating on a topic – Why do women and men cheat? She can be contacted on: [email protected]