Recipe for wholesome, meaningful marriage relationship

MarriageChristian Conversation with Pastor Samuel T Manyika
SOME 15 or so years ago the church world was shaken when an American couple recognised as being in the top 10 of marriage counsellors in the United States and Canada filed for divorce.
This was a couple who were booked throughout the year speaking to thousands of couples prescribing solutions for successful marriages and relationships. I remember one of their sessions which I attended and they were kissing, holding hands and snuggling up to each other right through it as they taught other couples how to love one another. It later came out that they had not shared a bedroom for over three years while continuing as counsellors and ultimately divorcing.

We live in an ultra-marketing world and environment; marketers know and understand human needs, especially those which are driven by artificial and superficial values. They exploit these fully. It becomes unfortunate when these marketing strategies begin to be used in attempts to build important institutions like marriage. In most relationships couples don’t know what is missing as to make their marriage work, that is why they become cannon fodder for some so-called marriage counsellors who may happen to be nothing more than comedians or opportunists projecting their own marriage experiences and fantasies or simply exploiting the usual list of simplistic dos and don’ts which are supposed to make a marriage work.

So one may be told you need more hugs from your partner, or kisses, or maybe you need more sex or experimental sex. The list can be endless but still be superficial and totally off the mark. These may obviously be good flavours for a relationship but not a foundation on which it can be built.

I got the shock of my life years ago when after spending three months with a couple who were close friends in their home overseas, they informed me that they were divorcing. This couple were constantly holding hands, kissing, snuggling up to each other and calling each other all sorts of pet names – the ideal loving couple if one were to use these external and visible acts. They hardly sat apart but would actually be squeezing into each other at any given time. I know of couples who began to feel that their own relationship was deficient in some way after they spent time in the company of such.

It is important for couples to define their relationships in their own way, expressing themselves in the ways that come naturally not what they read in a book or saw in a movie. This is where the pressure begins to build on one or both partners.

I know of marriages which broke because of a failure to put cultural, material or monetary issues in context. For instance, because of a colonial mentality which created the notion that everything from the west is superior, some couples thought that adopting the very public expressions of love like kissing, hugging and walking around hand in hand which are prevalent in western communities they would resolve their marriage woes. I have lived in the west, they kiss when they are in love, they kiss as they walk out of a divorce court, they kiss after attending their former partner’s second wedding.

Cultures that have arranged marriages like the Indians and where appropriate value is placed on the institution and there are less public displays of affection have been found to experience fewer divorces.

The point here is not to say people should not do this or that, but that couples should have a genuine, correct, realistic understanding of their particular situation and apply themselves accordingly so as to cultivate a solid and lasting relationship. We all learn from one another and there is no doubt that you can get a tip from an unlikey source which can spice up your relationship but everything should be put into perspective.

My parents were married for over 60 years.  I hardly remember seeing them sitting on the same couch. At home my dad normally sat in his chair and my mother would be about three to five metres away from him. But the moment you entered that room you would feel an ambience of love, respect and care beyond words.

I would see my parents kiss lightly once in a while.  My father had one pet name for my mother but I never heard her calling him by his first name.  It was usually “Baba va Zeky” translated “Zeky’s father”.  Zeky is short for Ezekiel, the first born in our family. This is a normal way of addressing a husband in our culture. My mother was not forced to call my father that.  She could have called him anything else she wanted. I never saw my parents fight although it is obvious that they would have their tiffs but I know that these were always resolved and never allowed to get out of hand. I never sensed any attempt by both of them to impress those around or prove that their relationship was working.

There is no marriage vow which you take for impressing people that you are very much in love.
I never saw or heard of any period when any family elders, pastors or other such were called to help my parents resolve an issue that they had failed to deal with by themselves. I saw this in almost every other family we were close to.

There was no play acting in this relationship or an emphasis on false values and actions based on selfish and impressionistic considerations. They had the utmost respect for relatives and outsiders and encouraged us also to do the same, but no one was ever given controlling or steering rights over their relationship.
I saw them achieving almost impossible goals through this harmonious relationship.

I think the five most important elements of this union were;
(1) A deep respect for one another
(2) A strong sense of permanence
(3) A sound and mature communication base
(4) A selfless and responsible attitude towards all things that were important to the relationship and family.
(5) An uncompromising dependence on prayer and obedience to the instruction of God’s word.

Everyone in a marriage relationship must deliberately cultivate a respectful attitude towards their partner.  There are obviously a number of qualities that drew you to them so build on that. Respect them as a human being created in God’s image not just a body or object, respect them for choosing you when it could have been someone else, respect them for the fact that they share your life’s most intimate times, they are the last person you see before falling asleep and the first when you wake up.

Never entertain options to your partner or relationship, as long as you do that you erode part of the foundation of a sound marriage. This is permanent period, this way you focus on making it work. Have a mature communication base, simple things like when to address an issue and how. Deliberately looking for the other person’s perspective, why they are seeing things the way they are.

Be selfless and responsible, do not always put yourself first, what are those things that are important to your partner, do not minimise the value that they place on those things. Their career, their parents and so on although all these should not compromise your own relationship and responsibilities towards the family you are building. When you reach a dead end pray and check what God’s word says you should do in such situations. Rise above your feelings and do what God’s word says.  It works.
Never preach to one another, listen to what God’s word and spirit are saying to YOU and JUST DO IT!

Pastor Manyika is Founder/Senior Pastor of Out for Christ Ministries and Living Word Churches International.

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