Scars of step-parents indelible An unidentified abused child shows scars at the back of his head in this file photo
An unidentified abused child shows scars at the back of his head in this file photo

An unidentified abused child shows scars at the back of his head in this file photo

Vaidah Mashangwa Gender
According to research, when children have been beaten or neglected and were subjected to physical and verbal abuse by their parents, they are more likely than other children to have emotional problems; become delinquent and violent, commit crimes, have low IQs, drop out of school or attempt suicide

Widows, widowers and divorcees at one point may decide to remarry. On average, divorced adults remarry within four years after their divorce with men doing this sooner than women. Some might have even been married more than once.

According to the book, Lifespan Development, the complex histories and multiple relations make adjustments difficult in a stepfamily.

It is important to know from the onset that a research conducted to solicit reasons for divorce among men and women revealed that the main reason why women divorce include verbal, physical and emotional abuse, alcohol and drug abuse, and cheating.

On the other hand the reasons cited by men include just falling out of love, cheating and having different values and lifestyles. The reasons for divorce though vary from one individual to the other and some are influenced by time, age and place of origin.

There are also a number of reasons why some widows, widowers and the divorcees remarry. Some remarry because they want someone to assist with the raising of children, some remarry due to financial reasons and some remarry to reduce loneliness. Some genuinely look for someone to love and spend the rest of their lives with.

There can be joys and benefits related to stepfamilies and also taking into consideration the growth of the family resulting from such a relationship. However, certain difficulties can also arise from such a union.

The first critical one is that there is usually a biological parent living elsewhere whose influence over the children is likely to remain powerful as the children continue to visit their own biological parents. This usually leads to resentment and arguments.

Another problem is that step-parenting involves children from different backgrounds who are now coming together each one with his or her own likes and beliefs. Apart from that the step-parents and the children might have varying expectations of what constitute appropriate behaviour within the family. There can be clashes in habits. This calls for flexibility on all the parties involved.

The worst scenario in step-parenting is an abusive stepmother. While stepfathers are no saints either as they usually sexually abuse their stepdaughters, the stepmother can be evil as she often spends more time with the children. Stepmothers are usually in constant company of the children and the father might be ignorant of the abuse in the home.

Worldwide there are cases and instances of stepmothers who can be very abusive to the step children. Abuse of children by stepmothers includes physical abuse, emotional abuse and neglect. Child abuse takes many forms as some children are slapped, kicked, shoved, starved, forced to do all household chores beaten up, threatened with unspecified and specified course of action, and at times the child is deprived of priviledges. This is referred to as power assertion.

When step-parents continually insult and ridicule children, the results are particularly devastating. Usually there are no clear rules; the child is punished for the smallest thing.

The stepmother is unpredictable and she just nags and shouts at the child occasionally. This is usually done to the youngest children and might cause aggressiveness on the part of the children. Eventually the abuse might get out of hand.

Some of the children become withdrawn instead, manipulative and difficult to control. This withdrawal becomes a vicious cycle. It must be borne in mind that many people carry with them the scars of emotional wounds they suffered as children.

According to research, when children have been beaten or neglected and were subjected to physical and verbal abuse by their parents, they are more likely than other children to have emotional problems; become delinquent and violent, commit crimes, have low IQs, drop out of school or attempt suicide.

Some may recover, especially if they receive love and attention from their siblings, peers or caring relatives other than their parents. Others get solace at school and place of worship. However, recovery is not easy. As the child grows, it might be imperative to start a positive life style again. As the child gets into adulthood it would be important to decide whether to remain a prisoner of childhood abuse or to strike out a new direction all together.

Where are the dads when the stepmothers torment and torture their children? Usually the fathers would not discover anything because the stepmother would never be rough when the husband is around. The dads at times never spend time with the children and might be away from home most of the time while the abuse can go on and on.

There is a case of a stepdaughter who was asked to apply concealer make-up before the father returned from work to cover the facial bruises she got after an assault by the stepmother.

At some point an eight year old Mozambican girl was found covered in bruises and her hair ripped off from her head by the stepmother. The stepmother was jailed for nine months. It was discovered that the father, a university professor, was aware of the abuse but never took any action. He was also charged for wilful neglect and also sentenced to six months in jail. So some dads might witness the abuse but fail to take corrective action.

While issues of gender-based violence are discussed on a day- to-day basis, there is apt silence on abuse of children by their step mothers. Research revealed that it is a growing global trend. Why marry someone with children in the first place if you are not interested in them (the step children)? It is a choice after all and anyone with a stable mind cannot afford to be indifferent to the abuse of children.

Some stepmothers even go to the extent of withdrawing the stepchildren from schooling, college, medical attention and so on. The stepmother will, however, go out of her way to do anything for her own biological children. Acts of child abuse can be reported by anyone on behalf of the child; it can be a neighbour, relative or church member. Let us report cases of child abuse to the Victim Friendly Unit at the nearest police station.

It is important for the newly constituted family to define and strengthen their marriage and at the same time renegotiate the biological parent-child relationships and establish parent-stepchild and step sibling relationships. If this is not clearly defined from the start it can cause untold suffering throughout the union. That is why some of the new relationships do not last.

According to the book, Lifespan Development, only one third of stepfamily couples stay remarried. Part of the reasons is that most of them do not remarry out of love.

Secondly, remarried couples experience more problems in rearing children (as is the case of abusive stepmothers). Above all, some might carry into the step family negative patterns that produced failure in an earlier marriage.

Others strategies to help stepfamilies cope with stress include having realistic expectations and to develop new positive relationships within the family. A lot of people are involved in a stepfamily and ways of dealing with each unique situation must be clear. Apart from that, husbands must not leave the upbringing of children to the stepmother but must take a positive role and ensure that the stepchildren are as happy as children born in a health marriage with both biological parents.

Vaidah Mashangwa is Bulawayo Provincial Development Officer in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development. She can be contacted on +263772111592 or email vmashangwa@gmail

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