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Fredrick Mabikwa
IN my previous article I was discussing the importance of talking to someone when in a problem. After writing this article it immediately dawned on me that some, if not the majority of our problems are self-made.Some of these problems can really be avoided. The legendary Oliver Mtukudzi said in one of his songs “Zvimwe zvinhu tinozviparira tega” (Some problems we create for ourselves).

Let’s take for instance the problem of children disobeying parents. It’s not only that this generation is a generation of “bad” children – no. Some parents have ceased to have a culture of communication with their children. We are too busy looking for money and doing other things. I met a teenager recently who was confirming this scenario. This teenager said he never had a father/son relationship with his father a local businessman. He said his father never talked to him about life.

Yes our children are disobeying us but what are we doing or have done to counter this problem. Some of us parents stay with our children but we are not really in their lives, they discuss issues with other adults who are free with them. There is need to foster a very personal relationship with our children, especially those that need our constant advice and guidance.

Take again the issue of financial problems which the majority of us have, me included. I am on record saying the biggest problem with most of us is living beyond our means. We have champagne appetites yet we have beer budgets. Recently I rescued a colleague who had sold two cars and was going to sell his last car to pay private school fees. I just told him to swallow his pride and take his children to schools he can afford. Which he did. He is now a happy man. I have seen parents taking loans from banks to pay fees for these elite schools. The moment you see yourself selling property and getting bank loans to pay fees, the writing is on the wall, “it’s time to move to a school you can afford”. But what do we do, we hang in there.

Before the last loan is paid off, fees for the coming term are due and you take a top up and you never get out of these loans and you become a patient – stress and high BP. There is a lot of good public and church schools around. I also some time back once alluded to this bad habit of taking items on sale on credit because the arrangement is that payment is needed payday. We take things we really don’t need at times and come payday – it is all stress. Some of us when we get paid we just get excited and drink the money. For some of us the beer is taken like cough syrup – “morning, afternoon and evening”. A few days after pay we are miserable. We surely have control over such things.

We have problems with relationships. Marriages are suffering. Most men are struggling with one wife and you find another man getting two or at times three wives. Yes some strong men will manage them but for most of us it’s just more stress. We can even apply some Maths to some of these things. Take for instance inverse proportions- “The number of women in a man’s life varies inversely with his happiness and peace of mind.” Simply put it means “as the number of women in a man’s life increases, his genuine happiness and peace of mind decrease”.

Some of us are crying that our wives have lost respect for us but what are we doing to deserve to be respected? Respect is earned. Do we want only to be respected because we wear trousers? Women wear trousers too. Recently a colleague, a lady (Mrs) was very stressed when schools were opening for the third term. On the last Friday of the school holiday she asked the husband about the children’s fees and he simply said I have no money and that was it. Now “Mr Husband” you want to be respected? The wife ran around, borrowed money and took an advance from work and sent the children to boarding school. Now after the children had gone, the man was now harassing the wife – “where did you get the money from?”

With all due respect to my fellow husbands some of us just need to be flushed in the bathroom. You negate your duties as husband and father and you want respect? The wife has played your role and you are harassing her for that? Some of these problems we really create for ourselves. I am not claiming to be the perfect husband and father, naturally I do have my own shortfalls in both offices but I am certainly not one of those fathers who cannot pay school fees for their children and demand to be respected and further harass the wife for doing their duties.

Now problems at the workplace. Some of us genuinely have difficult bosses but some of us again create problems for ourselves. Some of us cannot do the basics – coming to work on time. Work starts at 0800hrs and you find a person is never at work at 0800hrs.They always arrive after eight. Some people fight their employers. They get bad advice from dark corners and fight employers.

Don’t fight your employer unless you really know what you are doing. When things are backfiring you are stressed. Some of us just don’t perform. We join the workplace complaining brigade and when contracts are not renewed we become patients – stress and high BP.

Most of the time we create problems for ourselves by making wrong decisions. We create problems by making rushed decisions. I have seen fellow men that meet a young girl (the “fresh ones”) and suddenly think that this small girl is better than their wife. Some actually leave their wives and barely a year in the new marriage with the “fresh one” the man is crying uncontrollably. Some try to go back to the wife and at times it’s too late – she has closed her door or has moved on. Such things can be avoided. Some make wrong decisions about employment. I have seen people getting wrong advices and leaving their good jobs for the so-called “greener pastures”.

The pastures are green from afar, when they get there they realise the green is contaminated green water with green weeds on top. Let us take time to make important decisions. When faced with a life changing decision to make, take your time and consult widely. Rushed and uninformed decisions always create problems for us.

Yes, we do have problems in life but let’s allow those problems that are beyond our control. Those we can control please let us control them.