The grieving widow and widower

Vaidah Mashangwa
Grief is always intense whether the death of a spouse was expected or unexpected. However, the quality of marital relationships has an effect on the intensity and duration of the grief. The stronger the couple bond, the harder it is to face the death of a spouse.
Bereavement is a source of stress for both men and women and research has shown that the life expectancy of a surviving spouse is shortened for about five years following his or her partner’s death.

A study conducted on widows and widowers revealed that 35 percent of widows and widowers were diagnosed as depressed one month after the death of their spouses.

For women past 50 years, widowhood is usually a permanent status. Only 5 percent of women who become widowed after the age of 55 ever remarries.

In contrast though widowers remarry if they are under 70 years. As a result, there are older widowers who have wives than widows who have husbands.

Young widows tend to be seen as single again rather than considered to be widows and usually they feel stigmatised as married women feel that they may be out to grab their husbands, which might not be an obvious case.

After the death of their spouses, most women’s roles become vague. Ties with their husbands’ families and relatives may be drastically reduced and many widows are deserted and have to run homes and look after the children on their own. This is wrong as they are supposed to keep memories of their husbands. Apart from that, the relatives also feel that these widows are not supposed to be interested in men or remarry. Relatives feel that they are supposed to associate primarily with other widows or their children.

For most widows, their identity may completely change as their incomes may substantially reduce.
Apart from that, for those who had no friends before the death of their husband, may fail to acquire any after the husband’s death. This is more pronounced on widows who base their identities on things rather than on people.

Widows vary though in their adaption. For some, motherhood supersedes wifehood hence the death of a spouse does not change their mood tone, sense of self-worth, accomplishment of goals or sense of integrity. Other widows become strong and more independent with the death of a spouse.

With time, most widows quickly grow accustomed to being alone though they miss their husbands as both their friends, confidants and partners in many activities. It is of paramount importance for widows to interact more with other widows. Research has shown that widows had a higher rate of interaction than did married older women.

The impact of widowhood on men has received little systematic attention and the role of widower is vaguer than that of a widow.
However, like widows, they are expected to preserve the memories of their wives and are expected not to show interest in other women. Many men though remarry early as inferred from the rates earlier on.

There is no research evidence to show that widowhood is less devastating for men than for women.
Research reports though indicate that widowers have more difficulty on the job than do widows during the period of mourning because widowers may be more sensitive to job disruption than are widows since they are generally the bread winners.

Some widowers tend to be embarrassed and even feel harassed by the competition among women for their attention and some widowers may avoid female gatherings.

Remarriage rates of widows and widowers vary by sex and age. Remarriage also depends on the suitor. Divorcees are easier to please than widows and widowers because the latter often glorify their dead spouses but divorcees are likely to do the opposite.

There is also more happiness for those in their first marriage than those who marry for the second time.
In a study of 100 couples who remarried, the reason frequently given was companionship and to avoid dependency on children. Many older people tended to select mates who reminded them of their previous spouses.

In fact, many married someone they had known for many years to allow better matching of interests and favourite activities.
Many older couples face considerable social opposition when they remarry.

The reason being that marriage is an institution for reproduction and child rearing and if the widow or widower is beyond child bearing age, family members and friends might not value the idea of remarriage.

Apart from that, the children may also be concerned about what might happen to their inheritances. This might cause conflict in terms of ownership of properties. For remarriage to work both parties should be flexible and well adjusted.

While we continue to debate on remarriage, there are some men and women who voluntarily or involuntarily decide not to marry. One reason for the increase in unmarried young women and men is the availability of other options such as education and careers.

At times women fail to find marriageable men. The increased divorce rates also lead to greater uncertainty about the desirability of marriage.

Vaidah Mashangwa is the Provincial Development Officer in the Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development, Bulawayo. She can be contacted on 0772111592 email vmashangwa@gmail. com

You Might Also Like

Comments