Zimpapers Logo

Bongiwe Nkomazana
First of all, I would like to attempt to open a lot of our people’s minds when it comes to gender issues. They are broad and range all the way from career options to what I am about to talk about today which is …drum roll please…baby mama drama. Yes, we will talk about it because if an issue is known to affect females more than men despite men being equal players in the situation, I feel like there is need to address it.

Some of us believe that some issues that have been raised are trashy. I will say this, until and unless we go through certain situations, we will never understand the impact it has on women especially, and so for someone to declare that the things women go through are not important enough to talk about is grossly unfair.

Actually, part of the reason why we even have these issues is because we are forced to keep them hidden and made to feel silly and ashamed for bringing them up.

These issues, as trivial as they may appear, affect our livelihoods and creating awareness around them is a step closer to us dealing with them wholly.

That being said, only a few women actually set out to raise a child by themselves. By this I mean that women generally picture a father in their child’s life and them living happily ever after as a family. However, today it is very common to see women raising their children alone.

Shout out to all the single fathers, we see you, but this is very common with women. According to data released by the Centre for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), almost 40 percent of births in 2007 were to unmarried women, whereas for the women in the early 20s age group, this was about 60 percent, and about one third of non-marital births were to those aged between 25 to 29.

I imagine that these numbers have risen since then, thus the rise of the “baby mama”.

I love how there has been a strong and positive message of women’s empowerment to take care of and raise children on their own boldly and with pride. However, the media’s portrayal of the “baby mama” has been very disturbing.

What is a baby-mama? It is the mother of one or more of a man’s children, especially one who is not his wife or current partner. Originally, the term was used by the fathers of illegitimate children to describe the mothers of their children, but the term is now in general use to describe any single mother.

I don’t know if it is just me but the term can sometimes come off as very derogatory.

“Baby mamas” have the worst reputation and have become synonymous with drama. When an eligible bachelor mentions that they are a father, what scares other women is not the fact he has a child but the idea that this child has a crazy mother hiding in the bushes somewhere.

Eight times out of ten, we think that a “baby mama” is a loud, annoying nuisance that is constantly trying to get money from their child’s father just based on the fact the she is unmarried to him.

We hardly ever think that she is a respectable woman who could care less about what her “baby daddy” is doing and with whom. That is our first mistake. Judging a lady we know nothing about, on a situation that we also know nothing about.

Cases of fathers convincing their current partners that their “baby mamas” are crazy are very common and current partners will obviously believe them because they are in love and want to be with this man. I know it would be easier if a woman could interview a man and his baby mama before any commitments are made but to actually set your eyes on this woman is a hassle.

Firstly, she will never be referred to by her name. Instead she will be referred to as that woman or that psychopath.

Secondly, any physical interactions between current partner and baby mama are avoided. All lengths are taken to keep her as just a voice over the phone instead of an actual human being.

This becomes our second mistake; wanting so bad for the man we are with to be perfect and pretending that he did not play a part towards his baby mama being so called “crazy”. I think this is where the double standards come in with this whole baby mama issue. The man is never crazy for neglecting his fatherly duties or lying blatantly about the type of woman his “baby mama” actually is.

Whereas the woman has every right to have certain expectations from her child’s father and so, to demand child support is anything save “crazy”. Imagine a situation whereby a man and a woman are just co-parenting, thus “baby mama” and “baby daddy”, and the man provides for the child timeously, he is at his school consultations and soccer matches and will remember the child’s birthdays.

What reason would the “baby mama” have to harass this man with endless phone calls and subpoenas? What reason would she have to be upset over her child’s father spoiling his new wife if he was treating his child just as good?

I think the tale of the “baby mama” has been a facade to cover up the males’ failure to not only be good dads but to be good men, period.

I know it is unusual to find a man’s current wife hitting it off with his child’s mother but it happens. For this to actually take place, a good man who has his child’s interests at heart will facilitate a civil meeting that could transition into a friendship among all the guardians in this child’s life.

I try to be as realistic as possible with my opinions so I will not totally disregard the fact that some of us women are very extreme and will use a child in the most outrageous ways to get to their father.

For those who follow Uzalo on SABC 1, MaMsie is the perfect example of a bothersome “baby mama”. She is really using her pregnancy to gain favour with her child’s father.

That is not who we are trying to be fellow women. In fact, I think it is absolutely up for debate who the crazier one is between the “baby mamas” and the “baby daddys” because we have heard a fair share of tales about both these groups.

To the ladies, as upsetting as it might be that the other person who is just as responsible for your child might not be pulling his weight, it is also important to maintain your dignity. Do not give anyone the power to push you to your limits.

To the men, be reminded that your “baby mama” gave your child life and for that you should show gratitude by giving her the respect she deserves.