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In the lifelong career of drinking and observing the world, I have learnt a lot about human nature, if nothing else.
And I have reached conclusions that some people will claim as their original thoughts because they have all the letters of the alphabet after their names and they presume that no one else can observe and draw a conclusion.
I mean the world is so tied up in calling some nobodies authorities in this or that just because the said nobodies have made careers out of commenting about everything from why the sun sets and why beer is always at its best taste when the barman calls for the last round.
But who am I to argue with all the great minds of the world? But may I remind you that degrees were created to study the achievements of people who did not have the said degrees in the same place.
Perhaps someone will recognise me as the pioneer of orderly barroom thoughts and confer on me the honour of being the progenitor of the science of Barology.
(I have confessed that no drinker, including Bra Gee is immune to building palaces on the fumes of alcohol sometimes and therefore I can be allowed to have my semi-befuddled aspirations once in a while).
Anyway, what I started out to state before I got distracted is that there are incidents in the bar and elsewhere in life which show that it is only by a mighty miracle that the creature called a human being ever gets educated on issues that matter.
He can grasp any academic knowledge in double quick time but when it comes to real life, it I sod how we never learn.
Take fighting for example, there are too many people who fight the same fight that has been fought a million times and can be avoided from a thousand kilometres away.
There are arguments that you should never be caught up in because logic is never involved, but do people ever learn?
If like me, you prefer to keep your skin on top of intact bone and flesh, then you may want to know of some situations in which you should never be drawn into giving an opposing opinion, no matter how strongly you feel.
1. Never argue with a sport fan about his team. There is not much to say on this one. There are too many people who do not know this simple rule and they have lost teeth, limbs and more as a result.
When you come across one of this breed, the best option is to zip your trap until you find more congenial company, or rather, those whose views coincide with your own. Anyone who is foolish enough to believe that they can have an academic discussion with a fanatic deserves all the broken bones that they will garner.
2. There is no reasoning with a hungry person. A million years ago, before the age of the dinosaurs, someone concluded that a hungry man is an angry man and the passing of years and the introduction of technology has not altered that fact. More than a few people have discovered that in some nasty ways.
3. Never argue with a political opponent. The only place in which the argument is permissible is on a televised debate where there is a cool-headed moderator and each arguer has a squadron of escorts whose faces are all chin and whose chest can make barrels big enough to store enough whisky to last Bra Gee a month of hard drinking. Or you can take it to the little box and prove your point by placing an X in the indicated spot. This is one example of a situation in which both sides claim that logic is their staunch ally, but somehow the other side always seems blind to the glaring facts. All I am saying is save your breath, your bones and your teeth.
4 . Never argue with any person over their religion even if they are atheist or agnostic. By its very nature, religion of any description is defiant of logic and based on pure belief which states that any questioning of that pure belief is only carried out by the stupid and wicked. Turn to your history book on the page that talks about the crusades as well the Inquisition and find out how the devout dealt with those who argued with their beliefs. Again, the passing of time has not changed anything and the phrase of opposing words “holy war” is still acceptable today as it was in the Middle Ages though now it is more acceptable to use a barrage of words on TV and radio rather than swords and fire.
5. Never argue with a magistrate or judge who is passing sentence on you. Even though it is you who was there when you did or did not commit the crime, somehow the learned people who will decide on whether you did or did not do it seem more inclined to listen to a lawyer who was not there while you did or did not commit the crime. They even call the lawyers’ speeches arguments but if you, the one who knows the whole story, try to argue, you will find yourself in contempt of the court, which is not a very happy state to be in.
6. Never argue with a person who is beyond the legal limit. Everyone knows that beyond the magic point, alcohol totally befuddles the mind and Dr Jekyll becomes Mr Hyde, or vice versa. I have reached that stage where I can never remember which was the nice guy and which was the murderer. I have driven some petty academics to tears as they foolishly try to convince me that one and not the other was the evil alter ego of the character in some novel written by a man who understood human nature a long time ago.
There are many who have gone to the grave with marks of broken bottles on their persons because their parents forgot to tell them this simple rule.
7. Never argue with fate. If your last bottle slips to the ground and shatters to smithereens before you have even taken one blessed sip, there is no point in pulling out your hair and lamenting your fate. You can get down on all fours like a dog and lap up the precious liquid or you can start looking at means of earning another one, even if it means being nice to the arrogant guy in the corner who never seems to run out of cash. Shaking your fist at whoever you believe inhabits the land beyond the clouds will not wet your throat.
8. Never argue with the spouse, especially if you are right. Anyone who has ever entered into matrimony, holy or otherwise is a living testimony that being right does not give you the right to open your mouth and oppose the spouse.
Ask the lady singer whose partner is trying to germinate a whole football team in between bouts of dragging on a home-made cigar stuffed full of leaves and seeds of a prohibited herb.
When the spouse speaks, you keep quiet and wait until their back is turned and then you sneak off to the usual place and drink in peace ignoring any idiots who start discussions on any of the non-arguable topics listed above. All you need to do is push your stool well back to avoid the flying fists and bottle that will surely follow.
It is said that there are no funerals at the homes of the cowards while all heroes are in the cemetery.
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