What women want more than love

happy couple 2

Bongiwe Nkomazana
They have always told us that love will not pay the bills and it will not put food on the table. They told us that because it is the cold hard true. I am 27-years-old and at that age where I am getting ready to settle down and build my life so please bear with me when I write a lot around this subject. I have had the privilege of getting to watch my peers who have already gotten hitched and I have realised that there is more to consider when deciding to settle for a man and a life with him. I mean, there are more crucial things that can potentially make or break a marriage or even a life. Love is a beautiful thing but in reality and in all honesty, love alone is not enough. Even science has proven that there are some things women require to be happy in a marriage or a relationship that include respect and communication but the biggest thing is security.

Every time I think of a subject to write on, I do some research on it so that I express my opinion in line with some truth. So, relationship experts explain that because women are the physically weaker specie, we are vulnerable to things that otherwise do not bother men and therefore need some sort of protection or safety from these dangers. To put it into perspective, typically a woman is raised and watched very closely by her parents because there are wolves and vultures waiting for her like prey.

When she becomes of age and leaves the nest, she is hoping to find the same refuge that will watch and protect her as she finds her feet and if she is lucky that same refuge will protect her children and her home as she becomes a mother and grows as a wife. As much as we are running the world right now and are independent as can be, we women generally need that feeling of a safe haven that presents itself as a man.

Security is a word or requirement that you will hear from more mature women who are ready to be in a steady life-long relationship. Good looks and sex are very important but the hierarchy of needs changes as a woman grows older and these two traits move to the less important end of the spectrum. I know we all kind of have the idea of what security is in a relationship but I think men especially, need to understand what a woman means when she says she wants security. From my observations, security is a home, not just a home in the sense of the house but in its entirety.

The first aspect of security is the actual walls and roof of a house. To have a man with whom you can acquire a physical home with means that he or both of you combined are financially stable. Women are satisfied when they are prepared, when they know that tomorrow, the next month, the next year and the distant future are taken care of.

If I won the lotto right now, I would pay for my son’s university tuition and he is only eight years old but that is how women operate. Being financially stable means you can eat right, have access to medical services, your children will have an education all the way down to you having proper nails and shoes.

Now, do you see how a man’s abs will not satisfy those real life needs?

The second aspect of security is the feelings that are generated within those walls and under the roof of a home. When we were growing up we listened to our parents remind us of how we were living under their roof and how we must follow their rules or hit the highway. There is a feeling of accomplishment, contentment and pride that comes with being a home-owner and to be honest, most of us are chasing those feelings for us to die in peace. In this case, security refers to being the queen of your own home. I do not know if you guys have seen it too but women who move into their marital homes where they are free to do whatever and shape their home to fit them, just develop this confidence and glow.

When you are younger, being the queen of a boy’s heart is enough but as you grow older, you just realise that you are not really queen until you share title deeds or a lease with this boy. We all know how good it feels to have a place we can call home. The connotation of the word “home” is that it is a place of warmth, comfort and affection. Women are emotional beings and to have that place or space that you share with a significant other satisfies that side of us.
The third aspect is the efforts that go into keeping the walls of the home standing. This refers to commitment and dedication. If a man is willing to make that decision to be in a house with you it shows very clearly their levels of commitment to you and your family. There is nothing as scary as an unpredictable man who is there one day and gone the next, who wants to be something this month but changes his mind the next month. Such instability is the opposite of security. We want to be able to be with somebody who can follow through with his plans.

When we talk about security, we are referring to how we want to be able to rely on a man to be constant in his actions. He has to be constantly respectful, constantly focused and constantly in the relationship. A man who is adult enough to understand that not only is a relationship hard work but life in itself requires a man to step up and take care of his home.

Believe me when I say a woman who finds a man who gives her security will definitely find him attractive. Why do you think arranged marriages were so successful? It is because the families chose each other based on the woman’s needs of security and the man’s needs of coitus and then they learnt to love each other with time.

In a perfect world, the man whom you were instantly attracted to or whom you fell head over heels for would be the same man you settled with but there is more to a successful and fulfilling relationship. If you ever wondered why women marry the most random men it is because it is not random to us. We have thought about it carefully and really the best man would have won. We need security to be able to keep ourselves sane and ready to give love. Does it make sense?


Pin It
  • T

    Well in as much as the security needs are important. It’s equally important to note that women’s choices as far as men are concerned are limited.
    From arranged marriages to the fact that its the man who approaches and courts the woman. I’m in my early 30s and living to witness several ladies who thought they controlled the dating game and they had the choice.
    But I guess that’s a subject for another article.

  • makhosi

    modern women turn to education and career, in general, for security.
    man should just be a bonus

  • Sancho

    Thanks for the research but let me quickly point out that you looked at only one side of the story or you did not unpack every detail of what women need in terms of security. These days young ladies like you have bias towards man who drive cars, theirs or company owned you do not care, earnings and flashy life style kind of man, a man who is an envy of every woman because of looks and smartness some of which gives temporary security only to mention but a few among other things. Little do women pay attention to the content of character coupled with what they see in man. This is what leads to conflicts because woman give unnecessary pressure to man because they saw another man having what they would love to have. At that moment they forget their first love for their man and get taken away by what they have seen outside. In most cases those ladies who successfully divorce for the better off man find more problems than they were facing from the former love and their ultimate end is surely known to God.
    I challenge you to go deeper