Zimpapers Logo

Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]

One by one, his friends drifted away, their faces hardened with discomfort as they turned their backs on him. They could no longer endure the suffocating atmosphere of his humiliation, a toxic fog that clung to their thoughts like a rancid odour.

The mere whisper of his name felt like a curse, polluting the air they breathed and staining their memories. He huddled in a shadowy corner, silent tears streaming down his cheeks, mourning not just for himself but for the cruel revelations that had stripped him of his dignity. He found himself utterly alone, abandoned by those he once called close.

Once a steadfast beacon of strength for others, he gazed around in despair, realising that the friends who had once sought his support had transformed into miserable comforters. Their departure left an aching void where warmth and companionship once resided.

The pride-infused cocoon gradually peeled away as he confronted the harsh reality of his circumstances. Tears, fierce and unyielding, defied the age-old masculinity myth that dictates boys should never cry. They surged forth, violently spilling from his eyes and cascading down his cheeks, each drop narrating a poignant tale of deep humiliation. Stripped of all semblance of manhood, he was left questioning whether he could ever piece together the shreds of his once-glamorous life.

Reduced to the status of a pauper, ensnared in a web of helplessness, he felt utterly powerless, unable to rewind the relentless wings of time to a moment where he might have chosen differently, to a time where he could have rectified his past mistakes, and salvaged his dignity.

Life is an intricate tapestry, woven with threads of unpredictability and human emotion. We have the power to lay ourselves bare, embracing vulnerability, or sometimes, the whims of circumstance force us into that raw exposure.

When our personal struggles are illuminated, they can strip us of our dignity, leaving us feeling like beggars in the harsh light of judgment. Each individual experiences vulnerability in unique and profound ways, which I will explore further in the following passages.

When I speak of vulnerability, I don’t envision a state of being at risk or standing on the precipice of danger. Rather, I am alluding to the profound courage it takes to reveal one’s innermost thoughts and feelings, to share personal information with another person. This act of transparency can stem from intentional choices, where we lay bare our experiences, or it can occur organically — sometimes without our consent.

There are moments when vulnerability is thrust upon us, often in distressing ways. For instance, information may inadvertently seep out through various channels, leaving the individual stripped of dignity and privacy.

In today’s age, social media and the mainstream press can serve as instruments of exposure, thrusting someone’s sacred and sensitive information into the public eye, often without regard for their humanity. The impact of this invasion can be profound, exposing not just facts but the very essence of who we are, making sharing our truths a daunting endeavour.

The month of November is dedicated to raising awareness about men’s health, and an urgent appeal for men to take charge of their well-being has been made. Despite this call to action, many men hesitate to assess their own health due to societal conditioning that discourages vulnerability.

Research indicates that the willingness of men to seek help is notably constrained. Our cultural perspective often obscures the essential healing we require — not just on a physical level, but emotionally, spiritually, and even in terms of financial stability.

The prevailing mindset of machismo communicates a powerful message: that one should be self-reliant and that seeking assistance is a sign of weakness.

I have identified four distinct types of vulnerability that men encounter, influenced by their life circumstances and experiences. The first two types reflect a skewed perception of vulnerability, revealing the complexities and challenges men face in navigating their emotions. In contrast, the final two types represent healthier expressions of vulnerability, showcasing strength in openness and resilience in adversity.

Vulnerable vulnerability

In this moment, a man reveals his vulnerabilities, striving to evoke the sympathy of those in his circle. He portrays himself as a victim, longing for understanding and compassion from everyone around him. His demeanour shifts as he subtly weaves manipulation into his interactions, often highlighting his struggles to garner attention and support while inadvertently casting a shadow on the feelings and experiences of others.

Violent vulnerability

Sometimes, vulnerability can lead to feelings of violence and toxicity. It’s important to remember that not everyone struggling with their problems tries to manipulate others. Some individuals may keep quiet and not seek help from a doctor, counsellor, or another supportive service, regardless of their challenges.

For instance, when someone delays visiting the doctor for a check-up, they might encounter an illness that could have been prevented. This can create a sense of intense vulnerability, overwhelming their situation.

Valiant vulnerability

This is profound courage to openly recognise and admit that I need assistance. Although this brave act may expose me to the unsettling risks of ridicule, spiteful gossip, and attempts to tarnish my character, it is crucial to summon the strength to confront these challenges head-on and grasp the situation with unwavering determination, much like a matador boldly gripping the horns of a charging bull.

This includes, but is not limited to, the courage to:
1. Seek medical attention.
2. Seek therapy when going through a difficult time.
3. Confide in someone who won’t misuse the personal information you share.

Valuable vulnerability

This unique vulnerability serves as a soothing balm, bringing healing to those who are grappling with deep emotional pain. There are moments in life when you bravely open up your heart, only to face the risk of being hurt in return, navigating the delicate balance between connection and the potential for heartbreak.

l Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness