are some comments and questions from a reader:
- I read with interest your article in The Herald of the 1st of June. I have also seen one or two of your articles in The Herald, including the one on pulling ribbons, that I also found to be very interesting.
It appears that the issue of sex and sexuality and its discussion especially in vernacular languages still remains taboo in our culture.
Judging from your extracts from the discussion, people will not probably be able to say some of these words ” . . . unless you were editing the actual words in your article to make it suitable for a number of people given The Herald is a family paper”.
Does this then not contribute to the reason why sex is not being discussed in detail in forums and between couples? I would presume dirty talk can be a good turn on and we deprive ourselves of this if we remain tight-lipped on sex and related subjects.
- I thought “happy eating” was for the enjoyment of the person being “eaten”.
It appears some do enjoy the “eating” even if the subject doesn’t enjoy it.
A comment I can make though on this subject – most people who like (this kind of style) prefer to have it after having a bath.
You will probably not feel good having someone doing it on you after a sweaty day and would therefore avoid it which maybe misconstrued as not wanting it.
I also generally feel it’s not a bad thing having a partner that doesn’t want (the happy eating method) but possibly becomes a more of a problem if one wants it and the other partner doesn’t want. Interesting subject though this one with no clear rules!
I had to edit your letter as you have mentioned yourself that this is a family paper and we have to protect those who might not know how to process the information and those who might find the taboo topics offensive.
- There is something about the whole thing remaining a mystery which has caused problems of not understanding what sex is. When people are talking about this subject they want to warm up, even as couples they have to take it slow and play; what they call romance.
When talking about it, people tend to try to find their feet on how they are going to present it that is why even in the olden day music or song helped to talk about it in a lighter way.
At the discussion that we had people were free to talk about anything but most of them came up with a language like happy eating, I think it becomes more fun that way.
The most important thing is to discuss about it and understanding what sex is all about and learning to control or deal with it in an informed manner and not the other way round.
Depending on the topic and the environment, there is nothing wrong in naming things but it has to be done in such a way that it does not become clumsy and distasteful.
That now people can even talk about “happy eating” means that the issue is being discussed in detail at forums and when couples go home they can build on that, and can be as wild as they want to be.
I don’t think I need to add anything on the way you have explained the happy eating method. – Thank you.
I have tried to answer some of the questions that you have asked below.
- Where are these discussions that you refer in your article held? I would love to participate in these. The discussions are held at Motor Action Club, we will resume soon and we will let you know.
- I find women don’t generally want to have sex – is this maybe just linked to the women I have been involved in my life? Is it that there is not enough excitement that the man (myself and maybe a couple of other men out there) generates to make the women want to have sex?
- Women sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings because of how their sexuality is controlled by society, it is important for men to help their wives, partners to be free.
Women are also encouraged to be free and express their feelings to their partners and move out of that cocoon the society has confided them for years.
- What causes some women not to get turned on even after extended time on foreplay, am I touching or doing the right places or things during foreplay?
- Where will you be touching, you need to ask where she wants to be touched, some women complain of men who during foreplay; it is as if they are wrestling. “Unenge urikutswinywa” they say.
- Nowadays there is literature on that and can help you, buy the books and read together and you can tell what your partner wants.
It has to be gradual and let it build up, you don’t have to start in the leisure room but even while you at work phone her and tell her one of those jokes, tell her you are coming home to cook and not only in the
kitchen, tell her you in the cooking mood; from the kitchen to the leisure room.
Bring as many recipes as you can. She will laugh and continue to build the mood it will reach a peak. You need to be creative.
How many times of having sex in a week are considered normal? I would want most days in the week, whereas my partner would be happy with once or twice if not zero per week.
- You need to stimulate her. How? I can hear you say. Be creative. The problem is that we take playroom issues lightly that is why when we do not get results we become angry and wonder what is wrong with our partner but you need to strategise in order to get fulfiling results.
- I generally see from comments by women, and in a way this does come out in your articles as well, that women do want and love sex – is it that I have the wrong partner or that I am not turning her on well enough or my expectations on the number of times that we have sex is a bit on the high side?
- Try to meet halfway and also try to understand where she is coming from you will know why she does not want it as much as you do. Variety is also very important not just the missionary way.
I would like to go back to some of the discussions and talks that I have had.
A woman revealed that she was now tired of dating she dated about three men in two years.
The first one she had her for two months and he disappeared and she stayed for some time without a man and after some months she thought she had found Mr Right only to discover he was not the one, after six months it was over, then came another one whom she was with for almost a year, they broke up after learning that he was married.
She said “I really got fed up and I felt that I was exposing my body to a lot of men, I then decided to buy friends who are not human beings who would not give me any problems.
Whenever I want it, I do it myself. I am now into DIY; hassle free.”
She said, to the amusement of those who were sitting on the same table. A brother could not conceal his disbelief he said, “Unopenga, saka urikuzvi . . . ” (So you do it yourself -).
People laughed and she was not worried at all she answered, “What is the difference of having it with you?” He answered, “There is a difference.” He said.
I enquired how many years she has been doing it and she said it has been two years. “Has it been working well for the past two years?”
I asked, she pondered and then she explained, “For the past two years yes it has been okay, but now I feel I miss something, I miss a human being who can hold me, I feel emptiness and sometimes I want to cry, when these friends of mine will have made me travel to some other places, I miss the holding from a human being”.
There was some silence and then she suggested, “Why don’t you and your team come up with a dating service and connect people.”
The idea was seconded by a number of people who were around.
When partners take each other to an unknown world, they need to facilitate their landing or they come down crushing, they must assure each other, (It’s okay they are now back into this world), and assure your partner that you are there for them and you have not gone anywhere.
This makes the big thing more meaningful and you both relax and sleep.
Holding, talking and touching after the big thing is very important as one does not feel used but loved.
This is what the sister who brought her friends who are taking her to another world but are not there when she is landing, misses.
According to the research that I have done, women love the touching and holding part and if they don’t have it after the big thing they feel displaced and ungrounded.
One woman has been into DIY for the past 20 years she has been married. When they have finished playing with her husband, it is said she starts on her DIY to quench her thirst.
She is not the only one who is into this practice as a married woman, quite a number of married women have resorted to this practice to quench their thirst and to keep their marriages.
I asked one a question, “When you are doing your DIY, what about your husband . . . ?”
Before I finished the question she knew what I wanted to ask, she said, “Hapana zvaanombonzwa, kana angowana zvaanenge achida kwandiri, anobva atorara kutoridza ngonono, nhamo inenge yangosarira inini amai nhiya ndosaka ndakazoti ko kuita DIY.” Although like many women she misses that touch when landing, she crashes.
While DIY might quench that thirst, it is important for women to know that it has to be done in the right position as most of women’s ailments come from the way they do DIY, most women suffocate themselves during this process and blood does not circulate properly and it becomes detrimental to one’s health.
To those women who have partners or husbands who are doing DIY as a way of satisfying or quenching your thirst talk to your partner and find a solution, it is not worth it.
Are you going to keep up appearances at the expense of your health? Don’t be scared of your husband, talk to them and meet half way.
The DIY method was confirmed by the leader of a young couple’s retreat, he said, “Some couples when playing have no emotions, feelings, nothing, it is just to quench their thirsts and it is not about love. Is it any different from DIY only that this time it is two people doing it on each other.”
Dzimba idzodzo dzine maproblems. Tinoda zvipere zvinhu zvakadaro ndosaka tati tizombokurukura, tigadzirisane, (those homes have problems, we need to put a stop to that by meeting and discussing how we can make our love life more fulfiling).
I think most of us agree with him.
Joyce Jenje-Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: joyce.jenje@gmail.com