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Sikhumbuzo Dube, [email protected]

A COLLEAGUE found me reading on issues related to involuntary childlessness. He looked at me with great scorn and uttered comments that were not palatable. I said, “If only you were in my shoes!” His comments pained me a lot. I forgave him because he thought he was being honest with me. To him, there was no challenge. But to me, it was a buried with a rat mentality.

In Painful Goodbyes, a show that I host on ZBCtv, Hope Channel Zimbabwe and Hope Channel Africa, I interviewed a man who had lost an infant. What I learned, is that men feel the pain of loss but are inhibited by society. Furthermore, he spoke about a feeling of helplessness when baby loss strikes. “You feel helpless, so useless,” he said, “While you may share the burden with her, you cannot go through the pain, the physical pain that she is going through.”

When you are not walking in the shoes of those who are childless, there are some things that you may say that may be damaging. The “bury the childless with a rat” thing. This article is a love letter to those who have children. October was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We created awareness of how it feels to be childless and lose a baby.

If you have children, there are things you must be mindful of when dealing with childless men. When they are sad, they may seem spiritual, but they may not make sense to the one grieving the loss of a child who is cognitively present but physically non-existent. I have compiled seven common things people usually say and how they impact childless individuals:

1 When introducing yourself, never glorify your fertility. An introduction like, “I am so and so, I am a productive mother/father of four boys.” Instead, you could say, “I am a mother/father of four.”

2 When a child dies, never use theological phrases like, “It is God’s will.” “Your wife could have died during delivery; thank God she is alive.” Those in pain need your presence, not your scriptural propositions.

3 Never use statements that indirectly demean the involuntarily childless. An example is, “For us who have children, we understand this problem much better.” This communicates that the childless are ignorant and may never have a way of knowing what you know.

4 When there is a stillbirth or pregnancy loss never say, “God has taken the child.” This poses questions to the bereaved. Is God so lonely that he has taken my innocent baby? That paints an image of a cruel God that rejoices to be with children that we desire to have.

5 Never use counter-stories. An example is, “Yeah what you are saying is clear, but let me share what my sister went through.” This communicates that you are not concerned about the present problem. It may also be interpreted as being callous.

6 Never add insult to injury by joking about infertility. The childless have many loss reminders. Phrases like, “You are firing blanks,” “You are letting down your hubby/wife, bring them to me,” and “You guys are still playing when we are working,” are not only unacceptable but also depersonalising.

7 Avoid minimising statements like “Thank God it could have been worse” or those that begin with “At least”. The first seems to be okay but it is a challenge because, while it glorifies the power of God to prevent greater danger, it shows that the current problem is insignificant. It is like saying, “You can get over it! You will have another child. Maybe this was going to be a problematic child.”

Each time you meet someone without children, avoid anything injurious. Words are so strong that they may be either deleterious or healing to the childless. Choose to heal rather than hurt. Don’t bury the childless with a rat through your mouth. Meditate on the words of this poem I have recently wrote:

Had they worn my shoes
With a group of men in a room
Their looks are a descriptor of doom
Casting a dry spell of gloom
I am to uncover my cocoon
A path that is grief-strewn
I can’t share their self-defined boon
One called himself the father of Jade
Another a proud parent of Ted
If they stood on the ground I tread
I wouldn’t stand as one condemned
While no one called me dad
They’d know that I’m not dead
If only they were in my shoes
Kind words they would choose
They’d not open their mouths as fools
Over my wounded heart to cruise
As those with nothing to lose
While I don’t have a son
And I am a father of none
I can choose to have great fun
My journey has just begun
My blessings still overrun
And their breadth I cannot span

Sikhumbuzo Dube is a pastor, chaplain, counsellor and founder of Shunem Care, a ministry to the involuntarily childless and emotionally wounded people. He has published several articles on spiritual care, mental health, chaplaincy and involuntary childlessness.