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Nolwazi Mnikwa

Relationships

WE can choose our friends but we can’t choose our family. When a friend begins to rub you off the wrong way, you can distance yourself or put an end to the friendship, but what happens when it’s family? Do you distance yourself? Do you put an end to the relationship? Do you learn to love that person that makes it so difficult to love them? 

Distancing oneself or cutting ties often seems like the easiest solution yet it is in loving a hard-to-love individual so that family bonds and relationships are preserved.

This week I watched one interesting six-episode series as well as one interesting movie. These two shows which were shot in different continents and portraying different time settings had a similar concept; they both had a lesson on loving a hard-to-love person.

The notion of loving a hard-to-love person is not something reserved only for the movies, it’s not a distant thought but it’s a reality most are faced with on a daily basis. At times that hard-to-love person is a parent, sibling, aunt, uncle, grandparent, or cousin.

The reasons for one being hard to love differ. For some they may have, in a bid to protect their space, set boundaries that make it hard to love them. For some, it could be due to character flaws. Yet for others, it could be a result of how their backgrounds and environments socialised them to be. For example, there are some fathers who are very strict, it is unheard of for the father to be seen having a conversation with either his son or daughter. This is the kind of father who when he gets home, all the children disappear into their bedrooms.

In as much as his children would want to express love to such a father, the father makes it difficult for them, because he has been socialised to carry himself about like a lion who must be feared.

There are some women, whether mothers or grandmothers, who have normalised shouting to such an extent that their families tiptoe around them in a bid to avoid being shouted at. These also make it hard for someone to love them.

Another category of the hard-to-love people are the proud as well as the judgemental. These attributes make it hard to love them.

Despite all the reasons there may be for someone to be hard to love, the truth of the matter is that everyone deserves to be loved, everyone needs to be loved and it is in being loved that the errors of one’s ways are rectified.

Loving a hard-to-love person is not easy, but it has to be done. So, how can one love a difficult person without getting hurt in the process?

The first step would be to see the person for who they are and not who you want them to be. When you see the person for who they are, you don’t create unrealistic expectations but you approach the relationship from an informed angle. In doing so, you ensure that you don’t get hurt by the relationship.

The second step would be to let go of feelings of anger, bitterness, or resentment that you may have towards that person. It doesn’t matter what has happened in the past, it doesn’t matter what they have said, you need to let all the emotions associated with anger, bitterness and resentment go. Love and anger, bitterness as well as resentment can’t dwell in the same place. Where there’s anger, resentment and bitterness, there’s bound to be hatred. Therefore, in loving a hard-to-love person, there’s the need for you to let go of all the negative feelings you have towards that person. Letting go of these negative feelings also includes forgiving the person for past hurts and disappointments.

The third step would be to appreciate their positive qualities. It’s usually easy to focus on and amplify the negative qualities an individual has. Focusing on the negative qualities makes it even harder to love the person.

So instead of focusing on the negative qualities, it’s important to focus on the positive qualities the person has and to appreciate these positive qualities.

Focusing on the positive qualities is an antidote that rids off negative feelings you have towards the person, and it also proves to be a prescription that helps generate the feeling of love towards the person.

When you have identified the positive qualities that the individual has, it’s important to compliment them on these qualities. This subconsciously helps the individual focus and improve on these qualities. While the individual is focusing and improving on these qualities, they’re slowly but surely letting go of the negative characteristics that are bad both for them and for society.

The fourth step would be to display empathy. Sometimes the best way to know why someone thinks or behaves the way they do is to put yourself in their shoes and try to see things the way they do. It is in displaying empathy that you begin to have compassion for the person, that you begin to understand them and that you also begin to show them love as you have an idea of what it means to be them.

The fifth step would be to avoid judging. Human  nature is prone to making  judgments without facts which is not ideal especially when you are trying to love a hard-to-love person. Instead of judging, it is important to have a heart-to-heart conversation. These kinds of conversations let you in on the feelings of a hard-to-love person, they help you understand him or her more, and they also help you to love him or her.

It is important however, to consider your feelings and set accommodative boundaries as you make the effort to love a hard-to-love person so as to avoid getting yourself hurt in the process.

Love is more than a feeling, it is a decision and if you decide to love that hard-to-love person, you’ll have to put in the effort. It will not be easy but one thing for sure is that it will be worth it as love is a seed that is planted towards the betterment of an individual.

I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or to +263775978857. Keep safe and be blessed.