Tsungai Chekerwa-Machokoto
Zimbabwean culture has always fascinated me. We used to be quite conservative, moral and respectable. We had a solid religious system and things seemed to be pretty stable. With the changing tides that came with time however, things have drastically changed. While we are still more moral than other countries and cultures, we have deteriorated quite a bit, a lot has changed. The most notable change is the one in relationships in my opinion. This is just looking at the social side of things of course.
It has become the norm to see older men with younger women and girls even. When a woman dates a younger man however, she is called names like “cougar”, “cradle snatcher” and also that “she is dating a Ben 10” or even a “toy boy”. My question is how is it acceptable for a man to not only date younger women, but go on to marry her? On the other hand, if a woman dates a younger man, she tries by all means to hide it because society ridicules such relationships. Double standards indeed.
I have often asked what age difference is appropriate in a relationship and who sets the bar. Personally, I was socialised to think that a woman should marry a man at least six years older than her. We were strongly discouraged to marry guys our age because “you will look older than him when you start having children”, they told us. So because I always wanted to be the better looking one in the relationship, I always dated older guys. They were more mature and a lot more fun to hang out with and I have been very happy in my relationship.
What about the young guys who like older women? What happens to them in a society that doesn’t accept it? And also how about the woman who likes younger men? What if they are just so done with older men who are tired and just want young blood? Is there anything wrong with that? If so, why is there a problem only when it comes to older women with younger guys and not older men with younger girls?
Our country is a very interesting one. A few years back, there was a thing called adultery or extra marital affairs. This was when a married man would have sexual relations with a woman who is not his wife. A man in this situation would be considered to be in a predicament and would try to hide it as much as possible. If the affair was found out, it would shatter families and it would all just become a night mare. This was in what seems to be ancient Zimbabwe when you look at it now. This changed dramatically and the more common affairs became, the more acceptable they became too.
In 2017, the word adultery in Zimbabwe is rare, the men who date and marry younger women are said to have “small houses”. The moment society named it, they immortalised it. It is a sad situation. I remember a family standard that was a silent law that said “we will not accept money from a married man if he comes here to try and marry you because you will be destroying another woman’s marriage”. That was a standard and it was followed up until poverty dissolved morals I guess. Now heads of families actually prepare a traditional wedding ceremony, accepting money from a man that they are fully aware is married and has a family elsewhere. This reality really breaks my heart because it has become so normal, nobody raises eyebrows to that anymore and if you oppose it, you will be treated like an outsider.
When older women just so much as date younger men, it is a nightmare and all kinds of insults are thrown at the couple. Even if it is a single older woman and a single younger man, it is still considered ridiculous and I’m failing to understand why. Society has double standards because the same people that have normalised and renamed adultery are the same people who ridicule relationships of younger men and older women. Our morality is very selective and hypocritical.
If young women can be spoiled by their older boyfriends and it’s fine with us, what is the problem with younger men getting spoiled by their older girlfriends? The older-younger relationships don’t always revolve around money. I have interviewed a young lady who talked about the fact that she was actually just more comfortable with single older men and it had nothing to do with money. “I’ve always liked older men because they seem to have an air of confidence and sense of self that younger men are still in search of. Having amassed a certain level of economic independence affords them the opportunity to leave that race to succeed and temporarily focus on life’s more important issues. For me, marrying an older man was more about being with someone who had already done the whole rat race, career track and was more interested in starting a family and focusing on his kids,” she explained.
For centuries, older men have been marrying and shacking up with younger women and no one has batted an eyelash.
Hollywood is rife with these couples. Larry King and his ex-wives; and Jack Nicholson and the many mothers of his children, the list is long. Yet when an older woman gets involved with a younger man, she’s labelled a cougar and society can’t conceive that a younger man could possibly find her attractive and lovable, were she not sitting on a huge wad of dollar bills. That is being so closed minded in my opinion. Perhaps these younger men, just like the lady I interviewed, are seeking a woman who is secure in her person, who’s achieved a level of success that permits her to focus on other areas of her life and invest more in love and family.
What it boils down to is that all relationships, whether between an older woman and a younger man or an older man and a younger woman, work because both parties are invested in one another for their own individual reasons. Yet while we accept an older man coupling with a younger woman, why do we take jabs at older women who are doing the same thing?
Why do we brand them cougars and cradle snatchers and insinuate they’ve been obsessed with their looks for far too long and that their younger male counterparts are merely stooping them for their money? Is there a double standard?
Tsungai Machokoto can be reached on tsungimachokoto@gmail.com