Last week I wrote about why men cheat and the responses I got were interesting! People kept repeating that they are waiting to read what reasons I will share about why women cheat. Being a woman I will try to be as objective as possible. So here it goes.
From all the responses I got, it was one from an American film producer, Mr Tim McSpadden, that stood out for me. He was captured by my article because he did a movie about infidelity called “Love a la Carte”. The film is an honest comedy about cheating and I advise all of you to watch it. It was an honour to me when I watched this movie, seeing how intertwined our minds actually are on this topic of cheating. I’m looking forward to Mr McSpadden producing an African version of his “Love a la Carte” taking specific consideration of the gender dynamics and the cultural influences that are dominant in our lives. That certainly would be something, wouldn’t it?
Women tend to have an emotional connection with their lover and are more likely to have an affair because of loneliness. Women become unhappy with the relationship they are in while men can be a lot happier in their primary relationship and also cheat. Women cheat emotionally first before they go to bed with a man. A woman with a resident husband should never be lonely. It doesn’t matter how busy you are as a man, make quality time for your wife.
I remember the day I met my husband. We made small talk about nothing and even though he looked so good, I had to get one thing straight. I had to let him know what I liked more than anything else – attention. I loved attention then and I still do now, 16 years later. A number of women I spoke to confirmed that they also crave for attention today as much as they did back then when they first met their husbands. Lack of attention is the most common reason why women cheat.
Upon conversing with a certain woman about why she cheated on her husband, she said that, “My lover was giving me all the stuff my husband wasn’t – attention and affection.” I wish men realise that not giving your woman attention is the biggest push factor. You push your wife right into the arms of another man. When she’s lonely she wants you to notice and then talk about it. When she is sad she wants you to act, show concern even though you maybe busy.
Now here is the thing, if you don’t give your wife the attention that you know well she needs, maybe because you are busy working, she will still look elsewhere for that attention. When she notices signs that she might get the attention from another man, she will be tempted because attention is a basic need for women.
One of the many reasons for infidelity is revenge. It is interesting how men can convince themselves at times that after they cheat, flowers, spending time at home, fake attention and hugs, will make a woman forget. Women do not forget. Yes from outside they move on, but not inside.
They remember all the men that they had turned down for your sake and then they show them that they are now available. Women cheat just for revenge. They will be trying to prove to themselves that when their men cheated it was not because there was something wrong with them. Cheating is a vicious, heart-breaking cycle.
Pure boredom is another reason why women cheat. When nothing interesting is happening in their marriages they get bored. Whenever they meet a funny guy, for instance, they laugh a little louder and enjoy that person’s company thoroughly to an extent that they literally put themselves on a platter for him. This is why we have heard of women who hit on other married men. Husbands should remember to continue to date their wives even after marriage. That fun loving woman who interested you enough to marry remains alive and no amount of neglect can kill the person inside of her.
In some cultures in Zimbabwe, if you spend a lot of time with your wife you are considered a weak man who is controlled by the woman. For the sake of their egos men then choose to appear right in the eyes of society and friends at the expense of their marriages/wives. Other men take advantage of that and warm their way into your matrimonial bed. There are guys out there who will not miss an opportunity to sleep with your wife.
They will tell you how crazy your husband is for failing to spend time with you. It is obvious women have a weakness for affection and such developments always end very badly. Fortunately, men can avoid such scenarios if they are up to it.
The thrill of sexual novelty or quality is a major reason why women cheat. When sex becomes a duty for your wife, you must worry. How do you know that it has become a duty? Well, you do nothing exciting with her, like no movies, no dinners, nothing. You don’t look at her, you rarely compliment her, you don’t have conversations, you have nothing to talk about except the kids but she still sleeps with you whenever you demand and she fakes satisfaction just to get it over and done with. If any of the above is true for you, then correct it now.
A certain woman whose name I promised not to divulge mentioned how she regrets having cheated on her husband. She says during the time when her husband was away with work, she began being emotionally attached to a certain man she met at the supermarket. She says he looked at her like she was desirable, a look that she hadn’t seen in her husband in years. She said the intimacy began slowly as she had never cheated before. The woman says he took time to look at her and to kiss her and he wouldn’t just climb on top of her.
This man was also married and I was telling her that I doubt he was doing the same with his wife. Nevertheless, she ended up falling in love with him, had his child, she felt bad. To this day, the husband has no idea that he drove his wife into another man’s bed. He has no clue he is taking care of another man’s child because of his failure to pay attention to his wife’s sexuality and taking her for granted. In marriage, the foreplay should be more intense and the sex should be top notch.
However, men end up climbing on and off their wives and reserving their sexual best for their mistresses. It’s a sad situation.
It is interesting to note that (cheating) motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention and women looking to fill an emotional void. Most women I spoke to said: “I was lonely, not connected, I didn’t feel close to my husband, and I was taken for granted.”
Some women said they wanted to have someone who would look into their eyes and make them feel sexy again. Most of the reasons for women cheating have to do with emotional neglect. Once that is taken care of, I can almost guarantee that a woman will not cheat on her husband.
A culture specific reason popular in this country is that women are faced with such poverty that they will sell their bodies to the highest bidder. “If my husband doesn’t take care of my salon bills what does he expect from me? I also need to look nice,” said a lady I asked.
Yes, finances are tight in the country at the moment but a woman remains with needs that a husband is obligated to take care of. If those needs are not met, there are predators that are waiting to solve all your wife’s problems but the price you pay is too much. We are talking about HIV and Aids.
There are so many other reasons why women cheat on their husbands but the good thing is that all the problems can be solved by husbands giving their wives just a little more attention. Women need love, attention, sensitivity, compassion and especially passion. When these are dealt with, women would not cheat. Women are so easy to impress. A little love goes a long way.
The power of a husband to “cheat-proof” his marriage lies in him. The power to keep a husband is also in the wife’s hands. Both women and men need to be careful if their relationships are to thrive. They should both work towards cultivating their marriages because it is a good marriage that gives birth to a good home and good children that influence the society positively. It’s so worth it.
Tsungai Chekerwa-Machokoto is a mother, wife and gender consultant. She is a final year law student with UNISA. For feedback you may contact her on blog: tsungimachokoto.tumblr.com and email:[email protected]