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Nolwazi Mnikwa

Earlier this week, I read a post which was a cry for help. The post was written by someone whose marriage was practically destroyed by the mother-in-law. The short post narrated how the mother-in-law moved in with this couple and a year later, the couple was considering divorce. Sad as it may be, this is not an isolated case. For the longest time, there has been mention of silent or cold wars between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-law’s. Why all this rivalry and what could be the solution, one may ask. Well, today we will explore this topic in a bid to answer the two questions above. It is said a mother is a son’s first love and a son is a mother’s last love. This saying goes to show the strength of the bond between mother and son. Mother and son share a bond stronger than a three cord bond. We know that a three cord bond is not easily broken, for example; take a braid braided into three (umam’3) and try to break it in the centre without cutting it with a scissors, you will see that your efforts are futile.

That is the closest example of a three cord bond. So with that in mind, imagine the bond that exists between mother and son, it is one so rare, so deep and yet so precious.

It is therefore obvious that a mother wants the best for her son and a son values his mother’s opinion. This right here is 90 percent of the time the root cause of the friction between mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws. Due to her drive for wanting the best for her son, some mothers actually visualise and even identify the woman they would like their son to marry. Now when the son makes his choice of the woman to marry, which often times is not the one his mother would have identified, his mother finds it hard to accept the son’s choice. This is the point at which resentment for the daughter-in-law begins. The mother-in-law will find fault at everything her son’s choice of a wife does simply because she does not think she is the best for his son. In such an instance you realise that there is a fine line between a mother wanting the best for her son and controlling her son.

When the daughter-in-law receives the cold shoulder from the mother-in-law, there are normally two responses she would give depending on the values taught to her as she grew up. The daughter-in-law would either reciprocate the behaviour she receives from her mother-in-law, or she would return evil with kindness. If the daughter-in-law chooses to reciprocate the mother-in-laws behaviour that is just a recipe for disaster as there most likely will never be peace between the two and it is the mother-in-law’s son who will be caught up in the middle of all the drama. As a result of the fact that a son values his mother’s opinion, he may fail to draw the line to this aspect when he is married and this is another cause of conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. How, you may ask? When he is now married, a man ought to make decisions together with his wife because the two are one and they are basically building a life that is to represent both their interests. However, if the man in this instance does not value his wife’s input but constantly goes to his mother for her input, he is not only undervaluing his wife’s input but is allowing his marriage and family life to be directed by his mother which may not be welcomed by his wife. This would likely cause his wife to develop feelings of resentment towards her mother-in-law.

So how can this conflict be avoided? A mother needs to know when to let her son go, when to let him be himself. A mother needs to know that she cannot choose a wife for her son, a mother needs to know that she has to respect her son’s choices and above all, a mother needs to know that when she resents her daughter-in-law she will be hurting her son who loves his wife.

However, when she embraces her daughter-in-law as her own daughter, it gives her son peace of mind and it helps her develop a relationship with her daughter-in-law.

A man needs to understand that when he is married, he and his wife become one. He needs to understand the value in making decisions together with his wife. He needs to block out all external influence which would be damaging to his relationship with his wife. He would need to understand that women are different and his mother’s world view is different from that of his wife’s and in building his life, future and family, he is building with his wife thus the need to understand his wife, value her input and make decisions for their family with her and not his mother. This goes a long way in avoiding conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and it gives the man peace of mind. Most importantly, as a married man, he should understand that he needs to build his own home, so getting married and staying at home or with his parents simply will not work. I am a firm believer in the Bible and the Bible does speak concerning the living arrangement of a married couple, it says, “so shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined unto his wife.” Subscribing to this notion helps eliminate negative family influence on a couple’s relationship and it also helps avoid the situation mentioned earlier on where a couple is facing divorce because of a mother-in-law’s influence after she moved in with them. I have also heard it said, “there cannot be two bulls in one kraal”; this also further highlights the reason why a man ought to leave his parents’ home in order to build with his wife. The daughter-in-law needs to have an understanding of the bond between her mother-in-law and her husband, she needs to understand that this bond has been there since her husband was in his mothers’ stomach and it is a bond that cannot be broken. In this light, she must not dare try to break the bond as it will cause friction between herself and her mother in law. Instead she must help nurture the bond.

There is so much conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and it is really unnecessary because if a wife loves her husband, she ought to love his mother and if a mother loves her son, she ought to love his wife. If you are reading this article and you are either a mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, my encouragement to you is to make the effort to love your daughter-in-law or mother-in-law.

I would love to hear your thoughts, comments and feedback as well as relationship topics you would like to have covered. You may send these to [email protected] or to +263775978857. Keep safe and be blessed.