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Hazel Marimbiza

When Ms Hilda Pachawo was diagnosed with HIV at the age of 27, she thought her life was over.
But now she is 46 years old and still going strong.

She opened up on her journey which has not been a walk in the park. Ms Pachawo said after discovering her status in 2002, it took time for her to accept that she would be living with HIV for the rest of her life.

What was most painful was coming to terms with the fact that the man she had married had knowingly infected her. She revealed that on the first day of their marriage something indicated to her that her husband could be having a sexually transmitted disease (STD), but he quickly tamed her fears.

“The day my husband and I consummated our marriage, the cauliflower head on his private parts both startled and shocked me. Though he acted equally bewildered when I questioned him he quickly dismissed my initial concerns,” said Ms Pachawo.

She highlighted that when she got married at the age of 23, she had never been intimate with a man before. She believes her husband took advantage of her innocence.

“He played on my innocence. I trusted him and I didn’t realise I was about to contract an STD,” she said.
Their marriage moved smoothly for the first few years until she finally became pregnant after trying for four years.

“Joy filled my heart as I eagerly anticipated the baby’s arrival, but my joy was short lived. I miscarried near the end of my second trimester. Devastated and heartbroken, my mind flooded with countless questions. Not even my gynaecologist could pinpoint what had gone wrong,” said Ms Pachawo. To add salt to injury her husband withdrew in the midst of the grief and she suffered alone.

From then onwards her marriage became stressful and so they ended up parting ways. At that point he told her that he had STDs.“Our marriage collapsed and only then did my husband actually admit to having STDs. By then I already knew since I had been going to the doctor for treatment for some time. Fearing that one of the STDs could be HIV related, I researched the condition. As I studied the symptoms my fear grew. So in 2002, I finally approached my general practitioner for an HIV test. The result read HIV positive,” she said.

Ms Pachawo represents several women who unknowingly get infected by their partners. National data indicates that gender inequality is present within relationships and marriages, and drives HIV infections.

The HIV epidemic in Zimbabwe is generalised and is largely driven by unprotected heterosexual sex. Heterosexual people in stable unions account for around 55 percent of all new HIV infections. Women are disproportionately affected, particularly adolescent girls and young women and most get infected and then wonder if they will live long.

Ms Pachawo said when she saw her results, she did not break down or cry. She had been expecting it. Immediately she began grilling the doctor about what might potentially happen to her. Would she survive if she couldn’t afford the medication and treatment? How could she prolong her life in light of what felt like a death sentence?

She eventually left the doctor’s office contemplating her options. But she didn’t seem to have many of them. Desperately fearful of all the suffering she foresaw, she questioned the point of living. She spent several weeks in denial.

Later on, her doctor advised her to seek treatment in the UK if possible so she moved to the UK for treatment. In the UK she stayed with her sister who had been living there for a few years, but they quarrelled a lot so she decided to move out.

She got a job but neglected her health.“I got a job as a healthcare assistant. I took 16 tablets daily. I didn’t stick to a healthy diet. I didn’t get proper rest. Often exhausted and malnourished my body frequently cried out. No matter how weary and weak, I had to do my best to carry on. There were bills to be paid. My inattention to my personal care caught up with me and during that period I was diagnosed with drug induced diabetes,” she said.

During that time she really needed family support but she got none.

“That was a really troubling period for me. I had strained relationships with both my mother and sister so they kept their distance. They did not visit or even bother to call. Eventually my mother did contact me. She said she had no room for me, and told me not to come to Zimbabwe. Feeling more alone than ever before, that took a huge toll on my health,” said Ms Pachawo.

Fortunately a kind neighbour began to check on her and ensured that she was well. This gave her hope because she began taking good care of herself and she decided to go to the hospital for checkups.

“In 2006, I entered a diabetic clinic. Through modifications in my diet, I learned to control my diabetes. I knew I had to start thinking and acting in a more positive way. My life and health were my responsibility. I had to take better care of myself and get back to work,” she said.
Ms Pachawo also found hope in meeting and socialising with other people living with HIV.

“I started attending charity organisations for those affected and/or infected by HIV. I said very little but listened with astonishment as others shared the varied stories of how they contracted the virus. My belief that my own HIV diagnosis was a death sentence slowly began to change. I was no longer alone in my journey. Others understood. I had a support system.

There was hope,” she said.
This prompted her to make a change in the lives of other people living with HIV. She began excelling in various projects.

“I was able to establish an Africa Women’s Group centre. The group’s focus was to give African women a place to talk freely about their illness without judgment, prejudice or labels. It was also a place where some of their unmet needs could be taken care of. The centre provided things like food and financial support,” she said.

“I also was one of the first HIV patients filmed without having any face blackened out. The film, a BBC documentary helped elevate awareness about the disease. In those days most people did not want anyone finding out about their status so I found it liberating. I discovered I had finally made peace with my status and that I was willing to be open about it.”

However as she faced the disease daily her awareness that her husband had infected her fuelled resentment, hate and anger towards all men. Healing slowly came after she met people who embraced her regardless of her status.

“Things changed after I got into two long term relationships. Both men were aware of my status from the onset of our relationships. Initially I thought they would turn away and run but they both embraced me. Slowly my resentment began to fade,” she said.
This even helped her to mend relations with her mother and sister.

“In time I reached out to my mother and sister in an effort to heal those relationships. It took some time and hard work, but our once difficult and strained relationships are a thing of the past. Our relationships are better now than they have ever been,” she said.

Ms Pachawo does not wish anyone to lack family support like she did when she first discovered her status.

She said the journey with HIV can be extremely isolating and depressing at times, especially without family support. She also indicated that a major problem has been that many family members do not understand HIV transmission.

“It doesn’t just happen by sharing a cup or sitting on the same toilet seat. Transmission occurs through contact with blood, breast milk, semen and other bodily fluid,” she said. She urged those affected but not infected to best help infected individuals by accepting them, showing them love, refraining from judgment and walking the journey with them. Although her journey has not been an easy one, her experience has enabled her to discover her real self.

“It has pushed me beyond what I thought I was capable of. To develop abilities I didn’t have, and qualities I did not know I possessed. I am now strong willed, positive-minded and courageous,” she said.

To those who are feeling hopeless after being diagnosed with HIV, she advised them never to lose hope.“There is life beyond HIV. We are the ones who decide if we will make it or not. We determine the quality of our lives and the joy we find there. There is a whole big world to be conquered, explored and enjoyed. HIV is an illness, like so many others.

It does not define our destination.

We do not have to limit ourselves because of a diagnosis. We can live life to the fullest and continue to reach for our dreams,” she said.