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Justice Simango

I have wondered what to say to a friend who has just lost a loved one. You probably agree that it is not easy to find words of comfort.

The fact however remains that we should say something to our friends, offer sympathy and show our support to the person. Remember Mitch Albom says “death ends a life, not a relationship”.

Ever since I started attending funerals, I have listened to long messages of sorrow and to me I see nothing wrong with expressing your feelings towards the loss of a loved one through words.

Some people hold family records of playing the drum and singing melodiously at funerals and there are mourners who are naturally emotional, they can barely hold back their tears.

Different cultures and religions today vary in the manner in which mourners should behave or conduct themselves at a funeral. Whatever the case you find yourself in, well groomed individuals say something to a friend, neighbour, co-worker, classmate or church mate who has lost a loved one.

What you say doesn’t have to be long. Even a brief statement letting them know you are thinking of them can be comforting during a person’s time of grief.

Speaking from experience, one of the most difficult things for most people to do is to find the right words to say after someone passes on. It’s sad enough that someone has died, but no one wants to slip up and say something to make the surviving family members feel worse.

Some people ramble when they’re nervous, it’s wise to concentrate on keeping your conversation brief and focused on what you are there for. The most important thing is to show sympathy and understanding in as few words as possible.

It might be tempting to avoid talking to the grieving family altogether, but that is not good either.

Rather than avoid talking to the survivors, spend some time thinking about the words that will offer the most comfort.

Keep their personalities and temperament in mind, and remember that you don’t have to ramble on and on. It is best to keep your communication short but comforting.Try offering your sympathy by giving the person a hug if it is appropriate, and then back away. Then let someone else have a chance to offer condolences.

If the person wants to talk, listen. Sometimes it’s best to not say anything but simply be there to show your support. A simple “I am so sorry” may be all that is needed from you.

After you speak to the family members of the deceased, you may join other conversations during the visitation or before the funeral service begins. Keep your tone low and soothing. Avoid starting or participating in a conversation that is less than respectful to the family and close friends of the deceased- ‘Think before you speak’

If you find yourself at a loss for words at a funeral, you are not alone. Most people are uncomfortable in this situation. Think before you speak so you don’t say something you’ll later regret.

I taught myself to stay simple, that way I save myself the embarrassment and these are some of the words I say to the surviving family members; “There are no words to tell you how sorry I am. Please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers”.

“John brought so much joy to everyone around him. He will be missed by many”.

“I am so sorry for your loss. I will always remember Mary and how much she loved you and the rest of your family”.

“Susan was such a shining light in so many people’s lives. We will all miss her. Please know that I will be here for you when you need to talk”.

These words can be spoken before or after the funeral and you may use them in any form of language. What you don’t want to do is try to explain a reason for the person’s death or act as though the deceased or the family is better off.

Even if the person who died suffered for weeks, months, or years, those close to him or her will feel pain that can’t be washed away by explanation.

Justice Simango is a Business Etiquette and Grooming Expert who writes in his own capacity. He is a member of Toastmasters International. Feedback: [email protected]