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express themselves to their partners. Some have been together for years, but they do not know what their partners want and who they are.

Disgruntled couples have resorted to Do It Yourself (DIY), as way of replacing their partners, I was shocked by the e-mails I got of what is being used to replace partners.
One wrote: “I have been married for 20 years. In most of these I’ve been frustrated because my husband was just too daft to just follow what I wanted. He took things too much for granted.

“I know his routine, from here he’ll go there, and then do that, then kabam! It’s over. So playing became boring. I tried over the years to get it through, his thick skull kuti ita so . . . even guiding him. A little improvement came.

“If I am not creative I never get to the other world, it only happens after a lot of effort. I have tried desperately but dofo chairo. I then decided to get myself a friend who would take me to that other world, I went shopping around and I got myself X-large.

“After using it I felt sick, I was peeing all the time until I could not control it, I had to use pads for about a week. One day I broke down, I could not believe, I was even afraid to go to my doctor. What was I going to tell my doctor. My husband was getting worried why urine was just coming out like that, I broke down and I told him the truth.
“He realised how serious I was about my demands, he felt so bad and he said he was going to change, which he did. It had to take this drastic measure for him to take my requests seriously. He sometimes jokes about it but I would like to advice couples to take each other seriously. Thanks for your forum I feel so relived just sharing issues I have never shared with a soul before,” she said

When toys are invited in one’s life it is important to understand how they work. A woman was not so lucky after her husband discovered that she had bought herself a friend, he took her to an aunt and she was given a divorce token. The husband said to the aunt, “Ndauya nemwana wenyu boyfriend yake irimu-plastic umu.”
If couples can express their feelings to each other problems of this nature will not be experienced. When discussing this issue at the couples association a man had no kind words for men who want to victimise their wives in such circumstances.

He was very blunt and said, “Varume ava imbwende mumachira, kupamukadzi gupuro nokuti wamuwana anechitoyi, ko iwe waive wamboyendepi?
“Ndoda kukupayi rungano rwomumwe murume ayive asingabvire pavakadzi, mukadzi achingo gara achichema, arimatare woga, kwakazoti sekuru vake vanyatsomuvhunzisisa wanike Razaro wake haanyatsi kusevenza saka, anenge achiti akaenda paneuyu mukadzi oyendazve panemumwe achifunga kuti ndiko kuti agozoshanda zvakanaka.

“Mukadzi akavhunzwa kuti ayizviziva here zvaRazaro ndokuwanikwa wayizviziva asi akanga adyayira zvakare chida murume wake. Sekuru vake vakanga vanerumwe ruzivo rwatisina vakaenda naye kwaakanotsvagirwa ‘ring’ inobatsira Razaro kuti asanete, ndipo pandakatanga kuzvizivira zvetu-toyi itwotu.”
He send people into laughter, but he had sent a message to those men who did not know how to deal with their shortcomings and instead decide to play macho men or mystery men in order to cover up their inefficiencies.

A young man whose wife was expecting wanted to know when to stop playing and when to resume after the baby has arrived. He asked a question, “Is it true that breast milk is unpleasant in the blankets, because my brother left his wife after having a baby and he said ‘andidi zvekunhuhwirwa nemukaka’,”.
A much older man to him helped him out. “If you are a father and husband you want to be involved in whatever is happening to your child and your wife. If breast milking the baby, then how can it be unpleasant, your brother was not a full time father and husband?

“It is a joy to be part of this whole process to help your wife breastfeed, get to smell the scent of the milk even test it, some of us tested the milk. It is also during this time when your wife needs you most in terms of play and support,” he said.

His advice was followed by women ululating, men clapping and I could hear a woman say, “Ndiko kunzi murume chaiye! (this is what we call real men!)”
As I mentioned in one of my articles; I am finding couples associations as the way to go, in finding solutions to couples problems and building homes on strong foundation. Some couple’s associations are even

discussing issues of Wills and Inheritance and more other issues which spouses grapple with.
I was talking to a group of women and one woman said, “You know I have heard some say when they are in that room (the leisure room) things happen, but for me I have never had such an experience, it has always been dull,” she gestured.

“What do you mean things really happen?” I wanted to understand what she really meant. She continued, “They are waves like going on in some other people’s home, which do not happen in mine. I want those waves to happen in that room.”

She was visibly unhappy of what was taking place during playtime and she was very frustrated. “Have you ever asked your friends how these waves happen?” She kept quite for a while and then she said, “I think it just happens.”

It just do not happen, one needs to strategise to get the best in the recreation room. “How do you present yourself in that space” She was becoming a little bit nervous. “You mean to my husband,” she asked.
“Not really, but the recreation room, that space, the whole space. How do you present yourself.” I could see that I had put her in that room, she became uncomfortable, and she looked scared.

Some couples expect too much from each other, as they say it takes two to tango, one must not expect that things just happen, waves just happen, it begins with you.
While talking to women I have realised that they do not know themselves and yet they want their partner to know them.

They are scared of themselves and that is the energy they sometimes take to the leisure room and things do not happen. I asked the same group of women how many knew what defines them, they looked down and did not know what to say – only a few mostly young women. One woman whispered, “Ah hee, ungasajamba kuti rumha yabva kupi?” Women who were around her laughed.

“So rumha iyi ndiyo yaunoda kupa mumwe munhu kuti ayide.”
How does it work?

Women should know their bodies so that when you go into that room you are confident, it is the negative energies that some women carry in the leisure room that makes it impossible to have a fulfilling relationship.
They must love themselves and love what defines and say “wow how did my creator come up with such a germ”, someone – your partner will also say, “wow what did I do to deserve such a germ.”

You will have transported positive energies into the recreation room. Men take what your women in your life tell you seriously in order to build lasting and fulfilling relationships.
We continue to encourage communication, meeting half way and most of all love between couples.

Joyce Jenje-Makwenda is a researcher, archivist, author, producer and freelance journalist. She can be contacted on: [email protected]