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The Chronicle often publishes heart-rending stories about women who are let down by their marital partners.

In many such stories, the women would be bending over backwards to save their marriages and appealing to the public for advice and guidance.

It is needless to say in most such cases, the men could not be won back; they would have gone with the wind.

There are, of course, some cases where women are to blame, but those are few and occur relatively rarely.

That is because of two major reasons: most women associate sexual immorality with dishonour, shame and very deep embarrassment to themselves, their parents, their children, husbands, relatives and social acquaintances.

But some men regard sexual immorality as some form of achievement, some type of conquest that gives them mental self-satisfaction, and inexplicable imaginary social prestige. It is that kind of mentality that has given rise to the so-called “small house” practice.

The other reason most women treat their marital relations more seriously than most men is because they are more concerned about their children’s security than most men are.

The maternal instinct comes to the fore in virtually every marital conflict.

We should bear in mind, of course, that there are always exceptions to the general rule which is what we are discussing in this article.

Modern marriages are based on mutual love, or should be, unlike in traditional Bantu society when most marriages were based on parental decisions.

A relatively few such marital unions still occur but the parental role has, in most cases, been replaced by church elders. That is so in some apostolic sects where some of the marriageable girls are given to some male church members.

That is not our concern here. Our focus is on mutual love-based marital unions.

In Bantu custom and culture, the very first step that may lead to a marriage is taken by a man towards a woman. The man (or the boy) is emotionally attracted by the woman (or by the girl) and then makes advances.

In traditional Bantu culture, the girl would take her time, in some cases even a year or years before she accepts the advances.

In traditional Bantu communities, the longer she took to accept the man’s advances the greater the respect the suitor would have for her, that is to say, for her moral integrity.

Men do not have much respect, if any at all, for women who accept their amorous propositions at the snap of their fingers.

Many morally sensitive men tend to treat women who very readily accept their advances as morally unreliable pushovers.

Should such a man marry a woman, the marital bonds would be rather weak because deep down in the man’s mind would linger a nagging feeling of suspicion, if not mistrust.

A girl’s most important chance to test the moral integrity and the seriousness of the intention of a man who wants to marry her is during the courting period.

Girls who take the initiative by making advances on men whom they later marry have only themselves to blame if the men later show them no love, to say nothing about due respect.

One of my cousins courted a girl for six years. She was at a Roman Catholic novitiate, and when she eventually accepted his advances, she quit the church institution and married him. They lived together happily there-after until she died many years later.

He had much respect and love for her, and she for him.

It is common to come across some rich women who attract and marry men whom they ensnare with their wealth. Most such men sooner than later wriggle out of such loveless marital unions in spite, in some cases because of loads of monetary and other gifts heaped on them by their wealthy spouses.

Good and happy marriages are based on love and not on wealth, especially not on money, which should be used to purchase material comforts for a love-based marriage, and not to create and maintain a loveless marriage.

In Bantu custom and culture, couples create homes and wealth after marrying and not before.

Not that there are no hardworking and wise young men who are able to save and gainfully invest and prepare for their future wives, but they are few. The majority marry without much property except two or three shirts, one or two pairs of shoes, a bed and a wardrobe.

In the kitchen, there is usually not much we can talk about. It is after marriage that a livable home is made.

Once again, we look at our Bantu marital traditions, with particular focus on Zimbabwe, a patriarchal society, the man living with his wife among his people and not the other way round (matriarchal) as is the case among the Bemba people of Zambia. That is one of the reasons men in Zimbabwe pay lobola.

But if the woman pays most of the marital expenses, she may feel that her husband in particular and his people in general do not appreciate her presence among them.

That appreciation can be categorised under social, economic and cultural headings. The woman may feel that her social role as a mother whose children are part of her husband’s clan growth is not being appreciated.

She may also feel that her financial contribution to the establishment and maintenance of the family is not being recognised.

These may lead her to the conclusion that she is not being culturally acknowledged as an important member of the clan or family.

These social, economic and cultural factors can create marital disharmony, resulting in divorce.

The emphasis in the economic aspect of Bantu marital culture is on the man’s ability to pay lobola for and to maintain his wife.

Our ideas of family governance and socio-cultural values are patriarchal, similar to those of the Hebrews, hence the ease with which we were absorbed into the Christian religious socio-cultural world.

*Saul Gwakuba Ndlovu is a retired, Bulawayo – based journalist. He can be contacted on cell 0734 328 136 or through email. [email protected]