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Vaidah Mashangwa
These days it is becoming more and more common for someone to enter a relationship with children from a previous marriage or relationship. Generally there are some men who may not be interested in dating a woman with a child and that is normal. While this may apply to men there are also some women who may not be interested in dating a man with a child and this too is normal. For most men, dating a single mother is different from dating a single young woman. If you have your own children they must not keep you out of the dating world forever. I believe everyone can find love again while involving those children.

Most relationships where the single mother fails to disclose to her dating partner that she has a child or children fail. At times this is left too far into the relationship to an extent that the man discovers by himself that his fiancée has a child. This is quite damaging to a relationship. Where a man has his own children this must be disclosed too.

At times some couples marry, wed and only discover five to ten years down the line that indeed the wife had a child prior to the marriage. This is equally bad as well. It is important to let one’s partner know upfront that there is a child or children. Waiting until too late is not to the best interest of the relationship.

The first couple of dates are about getting to know the other person. If one of the dating partners has a child or children then it is the right time to say it out. One has to be genuine and honest right at the beginning. If he or she walks away after the mention of the child or children then he or she was not meant for you in the first place.

As a single mother or father there might be a time when you feel the need to escape from who you are and pretend that you are single when you are not. No person wants to be refused or turned down but still it is better to be honest right from the beginning after all. There are men or women who are willing to accept you as you are. It is even more embarrassing when he or she discovers it by herself or himself that there were children from a previous relationship.

While there is a need for companionship, children should be everyone’s number one priority and lying about their existence is not humane enough. Everyone appreciates how hard it is to tell the man or woman of your dreams about the child that you have but there are better ways of saying this out. At times he or she may ask further questions about the child, be truthful.

Once your partner accepts you and your child then later on there might be a need to introduce your child to your new partner. Do not introduce your child to him or her if your relationship is not stable and has no potential for a future engagement. Changing partners and introducing your child to every man you meet can be emotionally damaging and confusing to the child.

Children also easily form bonds with people and if your dating partner leaves you, the child will also feel the loss, so do not rush to introduce your child to your dating partner. This also depends on the age of the child. Older children may not be as cooperative as younger children. Consider your partner as a friend until the child gets used to him or her. Physical contact should be avoided during the presence of the child and keep the nights he or she stays over to a minimum. This is because some children can be jealous and might feel insecure during this period.

It is best to meet the child or children after at least six months of being in the relationship. At times it might be in the best interest of both of you to know whether your partner might be interested in having more children in the future. The other party might be satisfied with the children he or she has and might never want more children in future. This could be damaging if discovered later in the marriage.

One other important factor to bear in mind is that this child has his or her biological mother and once in a while the two parents might want to discuss issues pertaining to their child. Do not pretend like your partner did not have a relationship prior to yours so you ought to deal with the situation in a positive manner. Respect boundaries between the child and her mother or father as they might choose to have time on their own.

Once you have a new dating partner do not break routine. Make sure you spend a lot of time with your child like you did before the date. Keep the bond strong so that the child does not feel left out. Most children feel anxious once the mother or father starts dating again, however, quality time should also be spent with your dating partner.

Respect your child never be intimate when your child is around , holding hands, hugging and a kiss on the cheek is fine but avoid being too flirty in front of the children.

After dating partners have settled down it is important for them to discuss issues pertaining to the education of the children, finances, expectations, discipline and anything else that they might deem important. There should be an agreement for example whether the children from both sides (that is if both partners have children) are moving in to form one big family or whether children are remaining with in-laws but this is not advisable.

Good parents do not allow a situation where children are looked after by relatives when they have the capability of doing so. It is indeed a big deal when merging families hence this has to be done well right from the beginning. It must be borne in mind that children have to be happy in this new relationship and their needs should be met.

At times there is great influence from in-laws who are usually not supportive to their daughter or son marrying someone with children. The in-laws are not there to dictate the lives and future of the children but are there to give guidance. A lot though has been said about the relationships between daughter- in- laws and mother- in- laws.

l Vaidah Mashangwa is Provincial Development Officer Ministry of Women Affairs, Gender and Community Development. She can be contacted on 07721115 email: [email protected].