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Lenox Lizwi Mhlanga

I JUST read an article that says fake news is doing one good thing. Bringing back the credibility of traditional media. Well, I for one, knew that long back when the sun seemed to be setting for the newspaper because of the growth of the internet and online news sources.

While the rest of modernity got over excited and jumped on the online news bandwagon, some of us stuck to the good old printed newspaper. If not for a dozen more reasons than the obvious one. Online publications have become the in-thing, until the advent of social media and fake news!

Social media has meant that every Jack, Jill and their grandmother can claim to be journalists of sorts. Albeit crude ones for that matter. The thrill of “breaking news’ has become the scourge of citizen scribes.

As survey results showed that print news readership in Zimbabwe was on the decline, there appeared an unlikely saviour — the death of credibility. Now more than ever, we no longer trust what is being forwarded on WhatsApp. Until it is endorsed as true on traditional media. Phew!

Limbikani Kabwezi of TechZim predicted as much when he said that newspapers will not die anytime soon.

Newspapers will not die for the simple reason that in Zimbabwe, it has become such an essential part of our lives. We know that the main use of newspapers is to provide news, but it can do much more.

For starters, everyone will attest to newspaper’s wrapping qualities. One of Britain’s long held traditions is that of wrapping fish and chips in the day’s tabloid issue.

We are not at liberty to discuss the hygiene aspect of doing so, but where we come from particularly where plastic has been an expensive luxury, newspapers can wrap anything from tomatoes to traditional medicine. It’s not criminal as far as we know to wrap umvusankunzi (aphrodisiac) in a copy of the Chronicle.

How does the man of the house escape Sunday detention after a hard night out with the boys? He pretends to go out to buy a newspaper! He has to concoct a story to escape the clutches of a visibly angry wife, returning hours later with torn Sunday News copy smeared with fat from the braai koMaseko.

Evidently, a few pages of the least popular section of the newspaper would be missing. The paper has to be used to start up the fire to get the tshisa nyama going. You don’t need the skills of a steam train driver to do that.

When the boys from the line decide to stage a mini version of the Africa Cup of Nations in your yard, what does he use for raw material for the ball?

Newspaper and a plastic bag of course! Most of the local soccer greats past and present graduated from the street-paper-ball academy.

Never mind that the “Jabulani” turns into the “Balekani” (run away) when one of the more skilful of the boys executes a spectacular volley à la Messi — in the direction of your window. We are not going belabour you by describing them being chased down the street.

But rather how Siwela finds a newspaper coming handy in providing permanent cover over the gaping hole against the elements.

It is a fact that for a long-time, tissue paper was beyond the reach of many and still is. Especially when you are found having to chose between mathumbu (cheap tripe) and tissue. Though many of us will not openly admit it, a newspaper becomes a logical alternative. It serves a dual function. There is the aspect of catching up with news stories that you missed while answering the call of nature.

Then there is what we will call the “utility” aspect even though the traction of a newspaper has always been in doubt when it comes to wiping the nether end. This does not become an issue when no better alternative can be found in the vicinity. Leaves and maize cobs have been found to be highly unsuitable even in times of desperation.

A word of caution though having worked for the municipality, you should not be surprised if the sewer pipes in the vicinity decide to rebel and regurgitate their contents into your yard. These are some of the dire consequences for your being a bit on the thrifty side of things.

City health officials will not be pleased and don’t make things worse by complaining that it’s their job to clean up your mess. Clever quips like when you say to them, “At least you are one group of workers who need not worry about retrenchment,” is inadvisable. For some unknown reason, cleaning sewerage is known to induce severe bouts of violent behaviour in those employed to undertake this unfortunate task, even though they are paid overtime doing it.

There is a darker side to the use of newspaper besides the intended purpose. Carrying a newspaper gives a false impression of dignity. It explains why pickpockets and other career crooks carry newspapers as a form of diversion.

They are hiding their criminal intentions behind your favourite broadsheet or business paper. Carrying any of the tabloids would not do since they are just as sleazy. I am yet to see one of these hoodlums carrying a comic magazine, novel or the Holy Bible for that matter.

There are the equally diabolical uses like those con artists who have fooled members of the public (to use the police’s well-worn cliché) into believing that they can make their money multiply. Instead, they are left clutching bundles of newspaper every time. This trick has been used to dupe people since the days of the federation and yet they never seem to learn.

As much as we extol the virtues of newspapers when starting a fire, arsonists also find a newspaper’s incendiary qualities very ideal. It covers their tracks especially when the house they are torching has stacks and stacks of newspapers that never get to be used even when the option to sell to recycling companies can raise those desperately needed dollars.

There are many more uses of a newspaper that one can identify like using them as an umbrella when caught out in a rain storm or on a particularly hot day or stuff hats, leather bags and shoes to keep their shape, make paper planes and provide excuses for husbands not to be disturbed. For this reason, newspapers have become an institution.

The newspaper is unlikely to disappear from the street corner or from the loo for that matter, whether for utility or entertainment.

I can’t for the death of me imagine using an Apple’s iPad to wipe my behind no matter what the name of the contraption or that of software misleadingly implies.