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Vaidah Mashangwa
Infidelity has been cited as one major reason why couples divorce. While historically it was maintained that men cheat on their wives, there is growing body of evidence that married women also cheat on their husbands. Men and women have varying reasons for cheating and the reasons also differ from woman to woman.

Not all men cheat though and not all wives cheat also. There are faithful men out there whose wives cheat and there are also faithful women whose husbands cheat. The only difference between a cheating husband and a cheating wife is that a husband usually files for a divorce once he catches the wife red-handed while women let go but the family ties drastically change once this happens.

Some statistics show that the number of cheating wives has more than doubled over the years from 15 to 40 percent. However, communities and society at large still judges cheating wives more harshly than cheating husbands. However, dramatic changes have characterised families today with more and more people becoming aware that a husband and wife should be in a position to express their needs and desires without fear.

The weight placed on marriages has also declined with more people preferring to remain single. In the United States for example, in 1963 nearly 75 percent of all households comprised married couples. In 1983, the number dropped to 59 percent and in 2003 married couples accounted for just over 51percent the trends also apply to most societies the world over.

According to the book, Perspectives of Family Communication, the main reason is that marriage has become increasingly difficult to maintain happy and stable unions and generally that is the reason why men and married women cheat.

As a result, we are witnessing a significant increase in single parents in most societies and what is surprising is that single parents are no longer exclusively women but men too. Divorce rates have also prompted increases in primary-parent care. More and more parents can afford looking after children on their own.

The first thing to do in order to establish why married women cheat is to find out whether they are getting sexual satisfaction at home. If they are not, they might look for it outside the home. Men’s testosterone levels drop with age, rendering them less interested in sex or they become sexually dysfunctional. When this happens some men spend more time watching soccer, reading or working in the garden and hanging out with friends till late without paying due attention to their wives. At times the husband completely withdraws from the wife.

Whenever there is conflict at home, some men also withhold sex as a form of punishment instead of discussing the issue at hand this is also common among the women. Ignoring the sexual desires of a wife forces her to cheat. When a woman’s sexual desires are compromised she feels deprived of her conjugal rights and this dampens her selfworthy thereby looking for sex outside marriage.

Anyway, a husband and wife should get time to discuss their sexual needs so that everyone is happy within the confines of marriage. The opposite is also true, a wife who denies her husband conjugal rights forces the husband to find love and sex elsewhere. It is common for women to sexually starve their husbands for “bad behaviour”.

The other major reason why married women cheat is that the husbands are too busy to create quality time with for their spouses. Some men generally work for more than 8 hours a day and during weekends they rarely take their wives out for dinner or braai and apart from that they rarely think of giving presents no matter how small.

Some husbands rarely appreciate their wives even through passing simple comments when she dresses or does her hair. Some husbands stopped appreciating their wives the last time they made wedding vows. Love has to be nurtured and there is need for that reassurance on the part of the wives. Usually some marriages are punctuated by arguments, hostility and anger to an extent that the couple has no time for laughter, fun and romance and theirs is to argue on end. This culminates in a lot of tension in the home.

In addition some married women cheat because they feel they must revenge on their cheating husbands. A wife who discovers that her husband has an illegitimate child and a mistress elsewhere might not feel like discussing the issue or might discuss and cheat as well to get rid of the anger and frustration. Indeed some men have known or suspected extra-marital affairs, and a wife who discovers this might simply find solace outside the home.

Some married women at times just cheat to boost their self-esteem. They become tired of being housewives, mothers and nurturers. This makes them feel less attractive and taken for granted. They become worthy when other men tell them how beautiful and attractive they are. Women yearn for men who show interest in them and compliment them.

Then there are also couples who work hard to accumulate wealth so much that they neglect their relationships.

The husband literally spends day and night at the business site and travelling at the expense of the marriage. Some men think that the more material things they give the wife the better not knowing that at times it is not about material things. For such couples, their emotional attachment is on material things they have accumulated over the years.

Then there are some women who just seek pleasure for the sake of pleasure. They may love their husbands and would never dream of leaving them but they need that extra pleasure just for the fun of it. In addition some women also value material things and would not mind getting extra cash by indulging in extra marital affairs.

Men should understand that women by nature are emotional and love to be nurtured. It is unfortunate that at times the support and encouragement they need from their husbands is missing. A woman usually strays when she is hurting within.

The best advice for men and women is that they should look for the reasons behind their partners’ infidelity and take corrective measures to correct the situation through mutual understanding. The problem is that infidelity will happen again if both parties do not know the root cause.

 Vaidah Mashangwa is the Provincial Development Officer Ministry of Women Affairs Gender and Community Development. She can be contacted on 0772111592 email vmashangwa@ gmail.com