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SHOULD we celebrate that you are reading this article? Why, because nearly five years ago, some people were sounding the death knell for the newspaper.

One writer even went on to quote statistics released by the Zimbabwe All Media Products Survey (ZAMPS). The reason he gave was that “they were slow in waking up to the reality that is the internet”.

The survey results showed that print news readership in Zimbabwe was on the decline. Online publications were becoming the in-thing and newspapers were headed for the dustbin, the survey said.

However, people like my friend, techno-buff, Limbikani Soul Kabweza, put to rest such wishful daydreaming by writing, “Newspapers will not die anytime soon. No. Total death may not even happen, but the media business has been heavily disrupted and the effects are starting to be felt.”

This is good news because some of us thought we would be out of jobs by now. Perhaps I have spoken too soon, but the reality is that newspapers will not die for the simple reason that in Zimbabwe, it has become such an essential part of our lives.

We know that the main use of the newspaper is to provide news, but it can do much more. For starters, everyone will attest to newspapers’ wrapping qualities. One of Britain’s long held traditions is that of wrapping fish and chips in the day’s tabloid issue.

We are not at liberty to discuss the demerits of doing that from a hygiene point of view. But where we come from, especially where plastic has no reach and is expensive, newspaper can wrap anything from tomatoes to traditional medicine.

As far as we know, it’s not criminal to package umvusankuzi (a potent aphrodisiac) in a copy of the Chronicle.

Have you ever wondered why rural folk scramble for your copy of the newspaper when you go to the sticks? It’s not because they want to catch up on the latest on bond notes.

I can attest to catching Uncle Zweli eMaboleni, reading the newspaper upside down on more than one occasion. Meaning that the newspaper has more than a 101 uses besides reading.

I will not list those uses because I am not of the SRB (Strong Rural Background) variety. I am hard core born-location and because of that upbringing, I can confess to more sophisticated uses of the newspaper.

Like how a husband escapes Sunday home confinement after a hard night out with the boys. He asks to go out to buy the newspaper, of course! He concocts a likely story to escape the clutches of a visibly angry wife.

On returning 12 hours later with a torn copy of the Sunday News smeared with fat from the braai at the club will not win him any points on the domestic front. Indoda ifela ebuqhaweni bayo. Especially when a few pages of the least popular section of the newspaper would be missing. Angithi we have to start the braai fire with something.

When we grew up in the street of the ghetto, street soccer was the in-thing. The ball was ingeniously constructed from, you guessed it right, newspapers.

It was all well until the boy from Malawi (AmaNyasa) decided to challenge us to a mini Africa Cup of Nations in our yard. The teams were composed of all the boys in the neighbourhood. A recipe for disaster.

A spectacular volley by one of the brood, enough to impress any coach, becomes sinister when it heads for your window. Never mind that most of the soccer greats graduated from this street-paper-ball academy. Very few escaped the hiding we received afterwards.

The newspaper comes in handy in providing permanent cover over the gaping hole we and the other imps left to the mercy of the elements.

Many will attest to the fact that for a long time, tissue paper was beyond the reach of many. It still does, actually. Though many of us will not openly admit it, a newspaper becomes a logical alternative.

In fact, it serves a dual function. There is the aspect of catching up with the news you missed while answering the call of nature.

Then we have what I will refer to as the “utility” aspect. Science has disputed the traction of the newspaper when it comes to wiping the nether end.

Yet this is not an issue when there is no alternative in the vicinity. Leaves and maize cobs have been found to be highly uncomfortable even in times of desperation.

A word of caution though. Having worked for the Bulawayo City Council, one should not be surprised if the sewer pipes in the vicinity decide to rebel and regurgitate their contents into your yard.

These are some of the dire consequences for being thrift on toilet paper. City health officials are not too pleased when you complain that it’s their job to clean up your mess. Abanye bethu balomlomo.

For some reason, cleaning sewage is known to induce severe bouts of violent behaviour in those employed to undertake this unfortunate task, even though they are paid overtime doing it.

There is a darker side to the use of  newspaper besides the intended purpose. It would seem that carrying a newspaper gives a false impression of dignity. It explains why pickpockets and other career crooks carry them to divert attention.

They are hiding their criminal intentions behind your favourite paper. Carrying any of the tabloids would not do you justice since they are just as sleazy. I am yet to see one of these thieves carrying a comic magazine, novel or the Holy Bible for that matter.

There are equally diabolical uses like those con artists who fooled members of the public into believing that they can make their money multiply.

Instead, they are left clutching bundles of newspaper every time. This trick has been used to dupe people since the days of the federation and yet they never seem to learn.

As much as we extol the virtues of newspapers when starting a fire, arsonists also find a newspaper’s incendiary qualities very ideal.

“It covers their tracks especially when the house they are torching has stacks and stacks of newspapers that never get to be used, even when the option to sell to recycling companies can raise those desperately needed dollars.

There are many more uses of a newspaper that one can identify such as using it as an umbrella when caught out in a rainstorm or on a particularly hot day, or stuffing hats, leather bags and shoes to keep their shape, to make paper planes and the classic excuse for husbands not to be disturbed.

For these reasons, newspapers have become an institution. The newspaper is unlikely to disappear from the street corner or from the loo for that matter, whether for utility or entertainment.

I can’t for the death of me imagine using an Apple’s iPad to wipe my behind no matter what the name of the contraption or that of software misleadingly implies.