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Fredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
In my previous article I was lamenting how jealousy from the man has silently killed, and continues to kill marriages.
I did say that many women were living in loveless marriages with men who don’t trust them, men who have denied them freedom of association because they are suspicious that once left alone the woman will see other men.

I was saying, in my not very long experience with life so far, I have learnt that jealousy does not stop a woman from cheating if she wants to. With or without jealousy, a woman will cheat if she has made up her mind. Tracking the woman’s movements, invading her privacy in her handbag or phone does not stop a woman from cheating nor does it make her love the man more.

I concluded last week’s article by saying “he who loves trusts”. Now let us look at the other side of the coin. There are some wives who think that as long as their husband is not at work and is not with them, he is sleeping with another woman. The husband is also tracked by phone, “where are you and what are you doing?”

I have seen some men give their cellphone to their friend so that they talk to their wife on the other end of the line because they really want to convince the wife that he is with friends. You will find a wife going through the husband’s phone when the man is bathing or asleep. They will take down all the numbers of women in the phone book and call the women asking what their numbers are doing in their husband’s phone. Now this is really sick. Like I have already said, going through the man’s phone, his wallet and his emails does not stop him from cheating nor does it make the man love the wife more. If a man has decided to cheat he will cheat, whether you go through his phone or not.

Now phoning the numbers of women in your husband’s phone is really stooping low. Those women in there are very innocent women. If at all the man has a “hot number”, he will find other ways of dealing with it, some will even memorise the number. I was laughing recently in a social club when I heard that this man’s “hot number” was saved as “Sekuru Nyathi-Plumber” in his phone.

Invading the man’s privacy angers him and if this becomes a culture, the relationship is gradually affected. These small things done over a period of time slowly destroy the love between two people. I have talked to divorcing couples in my counselling career. For most of them it’s not serious things like infidelity that kill the marriages, it’s these small things repeated over a period of time.

When a wife respects their husband and respects their privacy, a normal man would respect such a wife and he would control himself.

Men are like children — if you accuse them of doing things they have not done, they will go on to do those things to satisfy their ego and spite you. Women should not create storms in tea cups. I am in no way saying wives should leave the men to do as they wish in marriage — a big NO. I am saying that let us not concentrate on looking for evidence of cheating when there is peace in the marriage. My advice to our dear wives is that they should act only when something concrete really threatens their marriage and when they have proof.

This culture of looking for things that don’t exist has killed many marriages. I have seen women who are always following their husbands.

The husband is driving out, they jump into the car. This is unhealthy. Men should spend quality time with their wives, but the wife must not hang on to the husband like a pet.

You find the man doesn’t have time to be with other men. The man occasionally needs time with the “boys” as much as the woman occasionally needs time with the “girls”. A man needs time with the “boys” for his personal and at times professional growth. He doesn’t necessarily have to be drinking alcohol. He needs time to be with other men for networking where they discuss issues that affect them as men.

The woman also needs such time with other women for her growth as well. My heart bleeds when I see a wife following a man in every pub that he goes to — this is again stooping low for the dear wife. We have gender roles that don’t allow the wife to always be in pubs. I know some ladies might take this as a sexist statement but it’s the truth.

Now jealousy affects your mind. It affects the way you think. Because jealousy is irrational, you are always living in your own world where you are seeing your own movies. The danger with jealousy is that it can consume your life to the point that all your actions and thoughts are contaminated by jealousy. You are always dreaming of things that are not there and because of this you become bad company to those around you especially your partner. It is your attitude that becomes detestable to those around you.

Jealousy will affect your health. When you create pictures in your mind of your partner with someone else you don’t sleep well and when you don’t sleep well things like headaches follow, appetite is lost and you have mood swings and stress sets in. I am not a medical expert but I know stress will cause things like high blood pressure (BP). When high BP finds other stress-related malfunctions in the body, serious ill health can follow.

At times jealousy can be a symptom of the malfunction of other important areas of your marriage. Poor communication can cause jealousy. When there is no effective communication in the marriage, there is always suspicion and it is the suspicion that causes the jealousy.

Jealousy can kill the intimacy in the marriage. How do you enjoy your intimacy when you are always dreaming about your partner sleeping with other people? Jealousy will destroy your future plans. How do you plan a future with someone you don’t trust? Ultimately jealousy takes away all the happiness in the marriage. You cannot enjoy a marriage where you are always accused of seeing other people.

You cannot enjoy a marriage where you are not respected and trusted. Jealousy is like a disease, it needs healing. If you suffer from it, admit and start to work on it. Talk to someone close. Have that drive to want to cure it, for it can indeed be cured. It is a slow and silent killer of marriage.