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Bongiwe Nkomazana
Being Zimbabwean and coming from a background similar to mine, the immediate response to the topic question is absolutely no, isn’t it? I must say that I will confess that I am a tad bit biased with this one and will plainly state that I do not think it is the best idea to live with a man before you two are married, that is if you want to get married. I am a woman and I believe that we should do what we want and this is therefore an open conversation with zero judgment.

I will justify my opinion and will also bring out some of the reasons women have for living with their boyfriends minus the married status. The question that I always get when we have conversations around this topic is – how different is a relationship between a man and a woman who are together but unmarried from a man and a woman that are married?

Marriage is the legal or formal recognition of a union of two people as partners in a personal relationship, key phrase being “partners in a personal relationship”. It denotes that there is a commitment to each other and this commitment has been made not only between these two people but also in front of our most intimate groups which are our friends, family and most importantly, God.

All of this is not there if the I dos did not take place whether at church or traditionally. So the difference lies in the fact that the players in a marriage will not quit or walk away as easily as their unmarried counterparts will because of the investment levels.

Some will go on to say but we are just as invested if we are living together and sharing bills and raising kids etc. Allow me to explain. Women who want to get married will naturally see living with their boyfriend/baby daddy as a step towards jumping the broom and some will even believe that it is the same thing.

Men on the other hand see it as everything but that. Their idea of living with a woman is that it is a test drive with no repercussions. Have you ever heard of the old expression, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” It is an unpleasant saying but there is some truth to it.

Men propose to women because they want the woman in their lives to fulfil certain needs and roles. It is for these reasons that a man will feel the unswayable urge to send his family to his woman’s family with cows and money for lobola. The end result is a wife that will typically clean, cook, lay with him, give him children and love him.

Once you live with him and are playing wife, cooking for him and doing his laundry before he actually goes to your father’s homestead, what then becomes the driving factor towards him getting you to be a fixture in his life. He already has what he was otherwise supposed to earn.

The level of comfort in a man who has gotten his girlfriend to live with him is upsetting really especially if they have been cohabitating for a long time. I mean whether married or not, all relationships reach a comfort zone but all my male friends have expressed how they love a challenge. You know the chase, where a guy is constantly trying to win a woman over. His game is always on point from his dress code to the little sweet nothings that he tells you. Living with a man before he puts a ring on it just kills that challenge for him because he feels like he no longer has to pursue you and something that is too easily acquired just does not hold the same value as something that is more challenging to get. As a result, his enthusiasm to commit to a marriage within a reasonable time is removed leading to your frustration and anger. We all know a woman who is always crossing her fingers for a proposal every New Year’s Eve from the man she is living with. Eventually this leads to ultimatums where we end up threatening the men to marry us or else.

That is the worst case scenario because you get grooms who are paying for a wedding and living through their marriages only because they are tired of the nagging or they feel obliged. I imagine it is always preferable to have a man excited to make you his wife. Then there is also the issue of that newly-wed feeling. I watch Our Perfect Wedding religiously and I always wonder whether the couples who have been living together even feel a difference, do they even have to go on a honeymoon? I don’t know. I know that some of us are dying to erupt in disagreement but I did say that this piece is for the ladies who want to get married. If you are not looking to be “tied down” or are perfectly fine being a roommate for an undisclosed period of time then just cohabiting with no other commitments is the jackpot for you.

Research has shown that couples who live together before marriage are less likely to be together twenty years later. Living together increases the couple’s chances of getting divorced early in their marriage. In the same breath, some studies do say that premarital cohabitation is beneficial in the sense that you get to learn your potential husband’s habits and you get a glimpse of what forever with that particular man will be like. You are more familiar to each other hence are more equipped to do life together. Couples that live together before getting married get to split household responsibilities which makes sense financially. So you could even be able to save for your wedding ladies.

This, to a modern woman then honestly sounds like the logical thing to do. So I will conclude by saying that it is not guaranteed that this way or the other in terms of pre-marriage living arrangements is the right one. We are all different and make different decisions based on what best suits our personalities, our lifestyles and our goals.

I do not want to make decisions for you but make sure that you communicate with your person so that you are on the same page in terms of the direction and progress of your relationship.