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Fredrick Qaphelani Mabikwa Successful Solutions
WHEN a death occurs in the traditional black Zimbabwean family, the death is really meant to affect the adults only. It is the adults in the family who are bereaved and it’s only them who grieve.

When relatives and friends come to pay their condolences to the family, they pay the condolences to the adults. No one really worries about the children.

When a married man dies, relatives and friends come to console the wife who has lost a husband; the children who have lost a father are often forgotten.

The myths that are associated with children and death are that children do not understand death at all and therefore there is no harm in excluding them in important family processes associated with death. There is a myth that discussing death with children is harmful to them. There is also a general myth that children should not participate in the funeral proceedings or view the dead bodies as this brings bad luck to them. This is why when there is a death in some families, children are taken away to a relative and only brought back home after the burial of their beloved one.

When the children ask about the whereabouts of the dead, they are in some instances told the dead is in hospital or they have gone overseas. There is a myth that children don’t grieve when bereaved as they have no thoughts and feelings about the departed. All these are myths. Children do grieve the loss of their loved ones as much as adults do and therefore they need to be systematically supported through the grieving process.

Depending on their age, children go through a variety of stages in their understanding of death. Children below the age of five also grieve. At this stage however, they tend to see death as reversible and temporary. Death is not final at this stage. The actual meaning of death is really not known. They think death can be avoided. At this stage explanations about death to the children should be brief and to the point. When the child asks about death, just make it simple, “when people die they do not eat anymore, they don’t walk and they do not breathe anymore and they are buried underground. When they are buried, we don’t see them again”.

Because death is not quite understood at this point, there is no need to have the children view the dead bodies. For some people when a child in this age group asks about the departed, the child is told that the person has been taken by God or Jesus. You are confusing the child who will have further questions, “Why were they taken and when are they coming back?” Some children will hate God for taking their beloved.

As I have already stated, some of us say the departed is overseas. You are doing nothing but delaying grieving in the child. The time the child knows the person died, they will start grieving even if it’s many years after the death. Some adults use phrases like the person is sleeping. The child is further confused. If they are sleeping then they must wake up at some point. All these phases that try to soften death confuse most children. Do not lie about death to these children, eventually they will know you lied and you further complicate issues.

At this stage they will ask very difficult questions about death. Do not avoid these questions; answer them in a simple and honest manner. If you lie, you are putting yourself in a very tight corner. Some adults are not patient, they lose control of their emotions and shout at the little ones when they ask questions about death. When we do this, we are crushing the little ones emotionally and instilling fear in them.

We also have to appreciate that today’s child is very informed; they already know about death. Those of us who grew up in the 80s and before remember death was not common. When a hearse drove into the street in the high density suburbs, we all ran away into the house and peeped through the window. With HIV/Aids and the TV, today’s child sees death everyday and they will not stop playing because there is a hearse passing by in the street. Even if you don’t tell them about death of their beloved, their friends in the neighbourhood and school will tell them. They will say: “Your father died, a big black car took him from your house to the graves – we saw the car.” So let us just be as honest as possible about death to the little ones.

The 5-10 year-olds generally understand death as irreversible. At around 9/10 years they now know that all living things die. They know that human beings are born and they die at some point and that they too will die one day.

For some families, a child must not be seen near a corpse, as the corpse is associated with bad luck and all sorts of evil that might befall the child. Some families have their good reasons for this approach and these must be respected. I have heard that in some cultures, a child is told in their sleep that their parent has died and they understand – they never bother asking again.

We can’t dismiss these traditions if they work in certain cultures, they must be respected. However, recent research has shown that children around plus or minus 10 years grieve just like adults and as such there is really no harm in involving them in the funeral processes. I have seen 10-year-olds viewing the bodies of their departed parents. Around that age, children can now comprehend death. Like the under fives, they too need concrete explanations about death. With their permission, there is no harm in them viewing bodies especially of parents or siblings.

Research has shown that older children, like adults, grieve better when they are exposed to the funeral and burial processes of a beloved one especially a parent or sibling. They get to understand death better if they are involved. What is important is for the adult to ask the child if they want to be involved in certain processes of the funeral. If they are older children and they say “yes” – there is no harm in letting them participate. When they are taken away and hidden and brought back after the burial, they know there is something wrong at home and this is why they will ask questions.

After the age of 10, most children fully understand the meaning of death. At this stage they can resolve feelings that come as they grieve. They begin to ask questions surrounding the death. These fully take part in the mourning processes of the family. The questions asked by this age group are not about understanding death, but issues around family stories surrounding the death, for example the cause of the death and in some instances issues to do with taking over responsibilities left behind by the late.

Children do grieve the loss of their loved ones as much as adults and therefore they need to be systematically supported through the grieving process.